_Speed._ How now, Signior Launce! what news with your mastership? _Launce._ With my master's ship? why, it is at sea. _Speed._ Well, your old vice still; mistake the word. What news, then, in your paper? 280 _Launce._ The blackest news that ever thou heardest. _Speed._ Why, man, how black? _Launce._ Why, as black as ink. _Speed._ Let me read them. _Launce._ Fie on thee, jolt-head! thou canst not read. 285 _Speed._ Thou liest; I can. _Launce._ I will try thee. Tell me this: who begot thee? _Speed._ Marry, the son of my grandfather. _Launce._ O illiterate loiterer! it was the son of thy grandmother: this proves that thou canst not read. 290 _Speed._ Come, fool, come; try me in thy paper. _Launce._ There; and Saint Nicholas be thy speed! _Speed_ [_reads_]. 'Imprimis: She can milk.' _Launce._ Ay, that she can. _Speed._ 'Item: She brews good ale.' 295 _Launce._ And thereof comes the proverb: 'Blessing of your heart, you brew good ale.' _Speed._ 'Item: She can sew.' _Launce._ That's as much as to say, Can she so? _Speed._ 'Item: She can knit.' 300 _Launce._ What need a man care for a stock with a wench, when she can knit him a stock? _Speed._ 'Item: She can wash and scour.' _Launce._ A special virtue; for then she need not be washed and scoured. 305 _Speed._ 'Item: She can spin.' _Launce._ Then may I set the world on wheels, when she can spin for her living. _Speed._ 'Item: She hath many nameless virtues.' _Launce._ That's as much as to say, bastard virtues; 310 that, indeed, know not their fathers, and therefore have no names. _Speed._ 'Here follow her vices.' _Launce._ Close at the heels of her virtues. _Speed._ 'Item: She is not to be kissed fasting, in respect 315 of her breath.' _Launce._ Well, that fault may be mended with a breakfast. Read on. _Speed._ 'Item: She hath a sweet mouth.' _Launce._ That makes amends for her sour breath. 320 _Speed._ 'Item: She doth talk in her sleep.' _Launce._ It's no matter for that, so she sleep not in her talk. _Speed._ 'Item: She is slow in words.' _Launce._ O villain, that set this down among her vices! 325 To be slow in words is a woman's only virtue: I pray thee, out with't, and place it for her chief virtue. _Speed._ 'Item: She is proud.' _Launce._ Out with that too; it was Eve's legacy, and cannot be ta'en from her. 330 _Speed._ 'Item: She hath no teeth.' _Launce._ I care not for that neither, because I love crusts. _Speed._ 'Item: She is curst.' _Launce._ Well, the best is, she hath no teeth to bite. 335 _Speed._ 'Item: She will often praise her liquor.' _Launce._ If her liquor be good, she shall: if she will not, I will; for good things should be praised.