Oh, great King, hear me when I say This has been a most unusual day! It is by chance alone you see In such a state my kitchen and me! I can set us both to rights in a minute! KING In vain! I have set a trap and caught you in it! Vain, wench, your lies and your pretense! I see what I see and I hie me hence! (_Exit KING_) (_Exit TIDY, weeping_) (ENTER SLUT) SLUT Lest you know me not in this disguise I tell you I am SLUT, and I tell you no lies. My face and my hands are clean and neat; Fresh is my frock, trim are my feet. But I assure you you are not wrong To think that so tidy I shall not be for long. And if the story you wish from me, I will tell you how this came to be: Dull was the day and tedious my book; I saw no pleasure wherever I might look; I had done everything that I knew how to do, And I could think of nothing new. But at last I thought of one Thing that I had never done. And I said, “I will take a broom, And I will sweep this room! I will wash this floor!” I had never washed it before-- “All things in order will I arrange, Although I hate order, for it will be a change.” So here I am, as you can see-- I and my kitchen as clean as can be. But in a room as clean as this My bones ache and I find no bliss. So watch, and soon it will appear Much less orderly and drear. (_Enter KING_) KING Down upon your knees and hands! I am the King of all these lands. Wishing to marry me, I have said That the tidiest maiden I would wed In all my realms, wherefore I go From kitchen to kitchen that I may know-- Yet stay! This kitchen is so tidy, I think that you must be my bridey! As far and wide as I have been So neat a kitchen I have not seen; Therefore I say you are my wife, For the remainder of your life. SLUT (_aside_) To point him out his error at first I intended, But least said is soonest mended. (_Exeunt KING with SLUT_) (_Enter TIDY_) TIDY Now once again with me All is as it is wont to be. Now once again you see me stand The tidiest lady in the land. If the King should see me now He would tell a different tale, I trow. (_Enter KING_) KING Oh, lovely lady, who are you, That I am a talking to? TIDY She am I whom you did scorn This very day at morn. KING It may not be as you have said, For you would I gladly wed! TIDY I thank you for the favor, but They tell me you have married SLUT! KING Oh, cock’s bones! And strike me dead! Is it a Slut that I have wed? (_Enter SLUT dressed as at first_) SLUT So here you dally whilst I sit at home! Never any more abroad shall you roam, But sit at home with me for the rest of your life, For I am your lawful wedded wife! KING Oh, woe is me, what a life will be mine! SLUT It is too late now to repine: Home with me you come for the rest of your life, For SLUT is your lawful wedded wife! (_Exit SLUT with KING_) TIDY