Humorous stories; Ukridge, Stanley Featherstonehaugh (Fictitious character) -- Fiction
We shifted appreciatively in our seats, all except Victor Beamish,
who had declined a chair and was standing by the mantelpiece. “Upon
my Sam, it’s about time you were thinking about it. Do you realise
that we’ve invested an enormous sum of money in you on the distinct
understanding that we could rely on you to do your duty and get
immediate results? Are we to be forced to the conclusion that you
are so yellow and few in the pod as to want to evade your honourable
obligations? We thought better of you, Weeks. Upon my Sam, we
thought better of you. We took you for a two-fisted, enterprising,
big-souled, one hundred-per-cent. he-man who would stand by his
friends to the finish.”
“Yes, but——”
“Any bloke with a sense of loyalty and an appreciation of what it
meant to the rest of us would have rushed out and found some means
of fulfilling his duty long ago. You don’t even grasp at the
opportunities that come your way. Only yesterday I saw you draw
back when a single step into the road would have had a truck
bumping into you.”
“Well, it’s not so easy to let a truck bump into you.”
“Nonsense. It only requires a little ordinary resolution. Use your
imagination, man. Try to think that a child has fallen down in the
street—a little golden-haired child,” said Ukridge, deeply affected.
“And a dashed great cab or something comes rolling up. The kid’s
mother is standing on the pavement, helpless, her hands clasped in
agony. ‘Dammit,’ she cries, ‘will no one save my darling?’ ‘Yes,
by George,’ you shout, ‘_I_ will.’ And out you jump and the thing’s
over in half a second. I don’t know what you’re making such a fuss
about.”
“Yes, but——” said Teddy Weeks.
“I’m told, what’s more, it isn’t a bit painful. A sort of dull
shock, that’s all.”
“Who told you that?”
“I forget. Someone.”
“Well, you can tell him from me that he’s an ass,” said Teddy
Weeks, with asperity.
“All right. If you object to being run over by a truck there are
lots of other ways. But, upon my Sam, it’s pretty hopeless
suggesting them. You seem to have no enterprise at all. Yesterday,
after I went to all the trouble to put a dog in your room, a dog
which would have done all the work for you—all that you had to do
was stand still and let him use his own judgment—what happened?
You climbed on to——”
Victor Beamish interrupted, speaking in a voice husky with emotion.
“Was it you who put that damned dog in the room?”
“Eh?” said Ukridge. “Why, yes. But we can have a good talk about
all that later on,” he proceeded, hastily. “The point at the moment
is how the dickens we’re going to persuade this poor worm to
collect our insurance money for us. Why, damme, I should have
thought you would have——”
“All I can say——” began Victor Beamish, heatedly.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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