Humorous stories; Ukridge, Stanley Featherstonehaugh (Fictitious character) -- Fiction
That the late Earl of Oxted had indeed been a somewhat slenderer
man than myself became manifest to me from the first pulling on of
the trousers. Hitherto I had always admired the slim, small-boned
type of aristocrat, but it was not long before I was wishing that
Bowles had been in the employment of someone who had gone in a
little more heartily for starchy foods. And I regretted, moreover,
that the fashion of wearing a velvet collar on an evening coat, if
it had to come in at all, had not lasted a few years longer. Dim
as the light in my bedroom was, it was strong enough to make me
wince as I looked in the mirror.
And I was aware of a curious odour.
“Isn’t this room a trifle stuffy, Bowles?”
“No, sir. I think not.”
“Don’t you notice an odd smell?”
“No, sir. But I have a somewhat heavy cold. If you are ready, sir,
I will call a cab.”
Moth-balls! That was the scent I had detected. It swept upon me
like a wave in the cab. It accompanied me like a fog all the way
to Mario’s, and burst out in its full fragrance when I entered the
place and removed my overcoat. The cloak-room waiter sniffed in a
startled way as he gave me my check, one or two people standing
near hastened to remove themselves from my immediate neighbourhood,
and my friends, when I joined them, expressed themselves with
friend-like candour. With a solid unanimity they told me frankly
that it was only the fact that I was paying for the supper that
enabled them to tolerate my presence.
The leper-like feeling induced by this uncharitable attitude caused
me after the conclusion of the meal to withdraw to the balcony to
smoke in solitude. My guests were dancing merrily, but such
pleasures were not for me. Besides, my velvet collar had already
excited ribald comment, and I am a sensitive man. Crouched in a
lonely corner of the balcony, surrounded by the outcasts who were
not allowed on the lower floor because they were not dressed, I
chewed a cigar and watched the revels with a jaundiced eye. The
space reserved for dancing was crowded and couples either revolved
warily or ruthlessly bumped a passage for themselves, using their
partners as battering-rams. Prominent among the ruthless bumpers
was a big man who was giving a realistic imitation of a steam-plough.
He danced strongly and energetically, and when he struck the line,
something had to give.
From the very first something about this man had seemed familiar;
but owing to his peculiar crouching manner of dancing, which he
seemed to have modelled on the ring-style of Mr. James J. Jeffries,
it was not immediately that I was able to see his face. But
presently, as the music stopped and he straightened himself to clap
his hands for an encore, his foul features were revealed to me.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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