Humorous stories; Ukridge, Stanley Featherstonehaugh (Fictitious character) -- Fiction
“George Tupper?” echoed Ukridge, radiantly, his gloom melting like
fog before the sun. “The very man, by Gad! It’s a most amazing
thing, but I never thought of him. George Tupper, of course!
Big-hearted George, the old school-chum. He’ll do it like a shot
and won’t miss the money. These Foreign Office blokes have always
got a spare tenner or two tucked away in the old sock. They pinch
it out of the public funds. Rush back to town, laddie, with all
speed, get hold of Tuppy, lush him up, and bite his ear for twenty
quid. Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of the
party.”
I had been convinced that George Tupper would not fail us, nor did
he. He parted without a murmur—even with enthusiasm. The consignment
was one that might have been made to order for him. As a boy,
George used to write sentimental poetry for the school magazine,
and now he is the sort of man who is always starting subscription
lists and getting up memorials and presentations. He listened to
my story with the serious official air which these Foreign Office
fellows put on when they are deciding whether to declare war on
Switzerland or send a firm note to San Marino, and was reaching
for his cheque-book before I had been speaking two minutes.
Ukridge’s sad case seemed to move him deeply.
“Too bad,” said George. “So he is training dogs, is he? Well, it
seems very unfair that, if he has at last settled down to real
work, he should be hampered by financial difficulties at the
outset. We ought to do something practical for him. After all, a
loan of twenty pounds cannot relieve the situation permanently.”
“I think you’re a bit optimistic if you’re looking on it as a
loan.”
“What Ukridge needs is capital.”
“He thinks that, too. So does Gooch, the grocer.”
“Capital,” repeated George Tupper, firmly, as if he were reasoning
with the plenipotentiary of some Great Power. “Every venture
requires capital at first.” He frowned thoughtfully. “Where can we
obtain capital for Ukridge?”
“Rob a bank.”
George Tupper’s face cleared.
“I have it!” he said. “I will go straight over to Wimbledon to-night
and approach his aunt.”
“Aren’t you forgetting that Ukridge is about as popular with her
as a cold welsh rabbit?”
“There may be a temporary estrangement, but if I tell her the facts
and impress upon her that Ukridge is really making a genuine effort
to earn a living——”
“Well, try it if you like. But she will probably set the parrot on
to you.”
“It will have to be done diplomatically, of course. It might be as
well if you did not tell Ukridge what I propose to do. I do not
wish to arouse hopes which may not be fulfilled.”
A blaze of yellow on the platform of Sheep’s Cray Station next
morning informed me that Ukridge had come to meet my train. The
sun poured down from a cloudless sky, but it took more than sunshine
to make Stanley Featherstonehaugh Ukridge discard his mackintosh.
He looked like an animated blob of mustard.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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