"She was smiling. She was contented. She had a look of being well off,
by the side of the Boche officer, and the lamp, and the fire that
puffed an unfamiliar warmth out on me. I passed, and then I turned
round, and passed again. I saw her again, and she was always smiling.
Not a forced smile, not a debtor's smile, non, a real smile that came
from her, that she gave. And during that time of illumination that I
passed in two senses, I could see my baby as well, stretching her hands
out to a great striped simpleton and trying to climb on his knee; and
then, just by, who do you think I recognized? Madeleine Vandaert,
Vandaert's wife, my pal of the 19th, that was killed at the Maine, at
Montyon.
"She knew he'd been killed because she was in mourning. And she, she
was having good fun, and laughing outright, I tell you--and she looked
at one and the other as much as to say, 'I'm all right here!'
"Ah, my boy, I cleared out of that, and butted into the Kamarads that
were waiting to take me back. How I got back I couldn't tell you. I was
knocked out. I went stumbling like a man under a curse, and if any-body
had said a wrong word to me just then--! I should have shouted out
loud; I should have made a row, so as to get killed and be done with
this filthy life!
"Do you catch on? She was smiling, my wife, my Clotilde, at this time
in the war! And why? Have we only got to be away for a time for us not
to count any more? You take your damned hook from home to go to the
war, and everything seems finished with; and they worry for a while
that you're gone, but bit by bit you become as if you didn't exist,
they can do without you to be as happy as they were before, and to
smile. Ah, Christ! I'm not talking of the other woman that was
laughing, but my Clotilde, mine, who at that chance moment when I saw
her, whatever you may say, was getting on damned well without me!
"And then, if she'd been with friends or relations; but no, actually
with Boche officers! Tell me, shouldn't I have had good reason to jump
into the room, fetch her a couple of swipes, and wring the neck of the
other old hen in mourning?
"Yes, yes; I thought of doing it. I know all right I was getting
violent, I was getting out of control.
"Mark me. I don't want to say more about it than I have said. She's a
good lass, Clotilde. I know her, and I've confidence in her. I'm not
far wrong, you know. If I were done in, she'd cry all the tears in her
body to begin with. She thinks I'm alive, I admit, but that isn't the
point. She can't prevent herself from being; well off, and contented,
and letting herself go, when she's a good fire, a good lamp, and
company, whether I'm there or not--"
I led Poterloo away: "You exaggerate, old chap; you're getting absurd
notions, come." We had walked very slowly and were still at the foot of
the hill. The fog was becoming like silver as it prepared for
departure. Sunshine was very near.
* * * * *
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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