After having spent a feverish night filled with confused dreams, I
awoke. Dawn was just beginning to break.
How much of what was hovering in my memory was true; what had I
actually experienced and what had I dreamed? That I had been whipped
was certain. I can still feel each blow, and count the burning red
stripes on my body. And _she_ whipped me. Now I know everything.
My dream has become truth. How does it make me feel? Am I disappointed
in the realization of my dream?
No, I am merely somewhat tired, but her cruelty has enraptured me. Oh,
how I love her, adore her! All this cannot express in the remotest way
my feeling for her, my complete devotion to her. What happiness to be
her slave!
* * * * *
She calls to me from her balcony. I hurry upstairs. She is standing on
the threshold, holding out her hand in friendly fashion. “I am ashamed
of myself,” she says, while I embrace her, and she hides her head
against my breast.
“Why?”
“Please try to forget the ugly scene of yesterday,” she said with
quivering voice, “I have fulfilled your mad wish, now let us be
reasonable and happy and love each other, and in a year I will be your
wife.”
“My mistress,” I exclaimed, “and I your slave!”
“Not another word of slavery, cruelty, or the whip,” interrupted Wanda.
“I shall not grant you any of those favors, none except wearing my
fur-jacket; come and help me into it.”
* * * * *
The little bronze clock on which stood a cupid who had just shot his
bolt struck midnight.
I rose, and wanted to leave.
Wanda said nothing, but embraced me and drew me back on the ottoman.
She began to kiss me anew, and this silent language was so
comprehensible, so convincing—
And it told me more than I dared to understand.
A languid abandonment pervaded Wanda’s entire being. What a voluptuous
softness there was in the gloaming of her half-closed eyes, in the red
flood of her hair which shimmered faintly under the white powder, in
the red and white satin which crackled about her with every movement,
in the swelling ermine of the _kazabaika_ in which she carelessly
nestled.
“Please,” I stammered, “but you will be angry with me.”
“Do with me what you will,” she whispered.
“Well, then whip me, or I shall go mad.”
“Haven’t I forbidden you,” said Wanda sternly, “but you are
incorrigible.”
“Oh, I am so terribly in love.” I had sunken on my knees, and was
burying my glowing face in her lap.
“I really believe,” said Wanda thoughtfully, “that your madness is
nothing but a demonic, unsatisfied sensuality. _Our unnatural way of
life must generate such illnesses._ Were you less virtuous, you would
be completely sane.”
“Well then, make me sane,” I murmured. My hands were running through
her hair and playing tremblingly with the gleaming fur, which rose and
fell like a moonlit wave upon her heaving bosom, and drove all my
senses into confusion.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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