Autumn came, Victoria had gone home and the little out-of-the-way
street and its houses was as quiet as before. At night there was a
light in Johannes' room. It made its appearance with the stars at
evening and was extinguished when day dawned. He was working with all
his might, writing his great book.
Weeks and months passed; he was alone and visited nobody, he no longer
went to the Seiers'. Often his imagination played him tricks and
slipped irrelevant fancies into his book which he afterwards had to
strike out and throw away. This put him back a great deal. A sudden
noise in the stillness of the night, the rumbling of a cart in the
street, might give his thoughts a jolt and throw them off the line:
Out of the way of this cart in the street, look out there!
Why? Why should one look out for this cart anyway? It was rolling
past, perhaps it had now reached the corner. Perhaps there's a man
standing there with no overcoat, no cap, he stoops down and meets the
cart with his head, he will be run over, hopelessly mangled, killed.
The man wants to die, that is his affair. He won't button his shirt
any more and he has given up tying his shoes in the morning, he wears
everything open, his chest is bare and skinny; he is to die.... A man
was lying at the point of death, he wrote a letter to a friend, a note,
a little request. The man died and left this letter. It had a date and
signature, it was written with capitals and small letters although
he who wrote it was to die in an hour. That was so strange. He had
even put the usual flourish under his name. And an hour later he was
dead.... There was another man. He was lying alone in a little room
which was wood-panelled and painted blue. What then? Nothing. In the
whole wide world he is the one who has got to die. That fills his mind;
he thinks about it till he is worn out. He sees that it is evening,
that it is eight by the clock on the wall, and he can't make out why
it doesn't strike. Poor man, his brain is already falling asleep;
the clock _has_ struck and he didn't notice it. Then he makes a hole
through his mother's portrait on the wall--what does he want with this
picture now, and why should it be left whole when he is gone? His tired
eyes fall upon the flower-pot on the table and he reaches out his hand
and pulls the big flower-pot slowly and deliberately so that it falls
on the floor and is smashed to pieces. Why should it be left unbroken?
Then he throws his amber cigarette-holder out of the window. What does
he want with it any more? It seems so obvious to him that he need not
leave it behind. And in a week the man was dead....
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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