Yaw, de Kaiser he write me von day, Shoost so soon he find oudt he get shtuck; First his letters dey come mit de dray, Now de're filling von beeg motor truck, Soon, already, I dells him vot's drue, Dat some tings don't look goot in dis fight, Den der Kaiser he feel britty plue, Und like dis vay to me he vill write. "Mine dear Fritz,--Since Von Tirp has gone oudt, Dere's no von around here I can trust, So I vant you to dell me, old scoudt, Vill it pe de vorld power, or bust? Ven ve licked de Russ, English und French, Den de Dago und Portugee came, Seems de deeper ve dig in de trench De more fellers get into de game. Mine beeg armies dey soon melt avay, Like von shnow pank goes down mit de sun, Ve keep losing more men efry day, Und dose bapers say, "notting vas done," Dose new zeppelin ships vas a fake, Shoost de fraus und de kiddies dey get, Und de unterseebootens ve make, Like de fish dey get caught mit de net. Soon our foes take de skin mit de fleece, So I vant you to hear vot dey say: If deir talk seems to listen like peace, Den you send me de vord right avay. Yaw, mine Fritz, you must dell me some tings, Shoost so soon you get on to deir track, Und de feller mine letter dat prings, Vill already your answer dake back." FRITZ ADVISES THE KAISER Mine dear Kaiser,--I'm telling you straight, Dat ve nefer can vin dis beeg fight, Dough de Faderland armies vas great, Dere is udders dat's greater, all right, Shoost you make de goot beace britty soon, Right avay, or you notting haf got; Ven you sups mit de teufel, de spoon Vill already, somedimes get too hot. Shoost cut oudt dat beeg strafe dat you make, Ven you can't mit dose Englishmans pull, Und you say it vas all a mistake, For you lufs your dear cousin, John Bull. Den you cheat dose fool English some more, Like for forty long years ve haf done: Dey'll forget den dose treaties ve tore, Und no more vill dey call us de Hun. You can fix tings quite easy mit France, Shoost you gif up de Alsace-Loraine, Den venefer ve see de goot chance Ve vill march in and take dem again; Den dere's Russia and Serbia too, Vill vant pay for de men dat ve kill; Now I tells you de ting dat you do You say Austria vill settle deir bill. Dere's no trouble vill come from de Yanks, Since ve mix dem in Mexico up; Ven a feller get bit vonce, no tanks! He von't fool any more mit de pup; For de Belgians some tings must be done; So shoost bromise de monies to pay, Till ve get back dose blace in de sun, Den ve vink, und ve say, "nix furshtay." FRITZ ADMITS IGNORANCE