Cambridge (England) -- Fiction; College teachers -- Fiction; English fiction -- 20th century; Marriage -- Fiction
"Oh, it will all come right!" said Howard feebly; "there are fifty
things that might happen. And now I must be off! Mind, you must let me
have the book some time; that will serve to remind me of Windlow in the
intervals of Greek prose."
He got up and shook hands. He felt he was behaving stupidly and
unkindly. He had meant to tell Maud how much he liked the feeling of
having made friends, and to have talked to her frankly and simply about
everything. He had an intense desire to say that and more; to make her
understand that she was and would be in his thoughts; to ascertain how
she felt towards him; to assure himself of their friendship. But he
would be wise and prudent; he would not be sentimental or priggish or
Jesuitical. He would just leave the impression that he was mildly
interested in Windlow, but that his heart was in his work. He felt
sustained by his delicate consideration, and by his judicious
chilliness. And so he turned and left her, though an unreasonable
impulse seized him to take the child in his arms, and tell her how
sweet and delicious she was. She had held the little book in her hand
as they sate, as if she had hoped he would ask to look at it; and as he
closed the door, he saw her put it down on the table with a half-sigh.
XIII
GIVING AWAY
He was to go off the next day; that night he had his last talk to his
aunt. She said that she would say good-bye to him then, and that she
hoped he would be back in June. She did not seem quite as serene as
usual, but she spoke very affectionately and gently of the delight his
visit had been. Then she said, "But I somehow feel--I can't give my
reasons--as if we had got into a mess here. You are rather a disturbing
clement, dear Howard! I may speak plainly to you now, mayn't I? I think
you have more effect on people than you know. You have upset us! I am
not criticising you, because you have exceeded all my hopes. But you
are too diffident, and you don't realise your power of sympathy. You
are very observant, very quick to catch the drift of people's moods,
and you are not at all formidable. You are so much interested in people
that you lead them to reveal themselves and to betray themselves; and
they don't find quite what they expect. You are afraid, I think, of
caring for people; you want to be in close relation with everyone, and
yet to preserve your own tranquillity. You are afraid of emotion; but
one can't care for people like that! It doesn't cost you enough! You
are like a rich man who can afford to pay for things, and I think you
rather pauperise people. Here you have been for three weeks; and nobody
here will be able to forget you; and yet I think you may forget us. One
can't care without suffering, and I think that you don't suffer. It is
all a pleasure and delight to you. You win hearts, and don't give your
own. Don't think I am ungrateful. You have made a great difference
already to my life; but you have made me suffer too. I know that like
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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