Happy and dizzy I walked downstairs to the controller on duty
and quickly under my gaze all around me and silently the
thousand-year-old buds burst, and everything was blooming:
armchairs, shoes, golden badges, electric bulbs, someone's dark
heavy eyes, the polished columns of the banisters, the handkerchief
which someone lost on the stairs, the small, ink-blotted desk of the
controller and the tender brown, somewhat freckled cheeks of U-.
Everything seemed not ordinary, new, tender, rosy, moist. U- took
the pink stub from me while the blue, aromatic moon, hanging from an
unseen branch, shone through the glass of the wall and over the head
of U-. With a solemn gesture I pointed my finger and said:
"The moon. You see?"
U- glanced at me, then at the number of the stub and again made that
familiar, charmingly innocent movement with which she fixes the fold
of the unif between her knees.
"You look abnormal and ill, dear. Abnormality and illness are the
same thing. You are killing yourself. And no one would tell you
that, no one!"
That "No one" was certainly equivalent to the number on the
stub,--I-330. This thought was confirmed by an ink-blot which
fell close to the figure 330. Dear, wonderful U-! You are right,
of course. I am not reasonable. I am sick. I have a soul. I am a
microbe. But is blooming--not a sickness? Is it not painful when the
buds are bursting? And don't you think that spermatozoa are the most
terrible of all microbes?
Back upstairs to my room. In the widely open cup of the armchair
was I-330. I, on the floor, embracing her limbs, my head on her
lap. We were silent. Everything was silent. Only the pulse was
audible. Like a crystal I was _dissolving_ in her, in I-330. I
felt most distinctly how the polished facets which limited me in
space were slowly thawing, melting away. I was dissolving in her
lap, in her, and I became at once smaller and larger and larger,
unembraceable. For she was not she but the whole universe. For a
second I and that armchair near the bed, transfixed with joy, we
were one. And the wonderfully smiling old woman at the gate of the
Ancient House, and the wild debris beyond the Green Wall, and some
strange silver wreckage on a black background, dozing like the old
woman and the slam of a door in the distance,--all this was within
me, was listening to my pulse and soaring through the happiest of
seconds.
In absurd, confused, overflowing words I attempted to tell her that
I was a crystal and that there was a door in me, and that I felt how
happy the armchair was. But something nonsensical came out of the
attempt and I stopped. I was ashamed. And suddenly:
"Dear I-! Forgive me! I understand nothing. I talk so foolishly!"
"And why should you think that foolishness is not fine? If we had
taken pains to educate human foolishness through centuries, as
we have done with our intelligence, it might perhaps have been
transformed into something very precious."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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