"THE CONFOUNDED PAN WAS LEAKING, AND I HAD NOT NOTICED IT" _By J. A. Ford_ THE BRIG O' DOON _By J. Marjoribanks Hay_ "I'M JUST WASHIN' SOME PEENIES" _By R. M'Gregor, R.S.A._ TWO HAPPY HUSBANDS _By R. B. Nisbet, R.S.A._ "I'M FAIR LAME WI' THAE RHEUMATICS" _By W. Grant Stevenson, R.S.A._ WEE JOHNNIE PATERSON Mrs. Johnstone was a woman who had a bad habit of being unable to tell one story at a time; she was always branching off with parenthetical observations. One day she came to me in a state of great excitement and said, "Isn't this an awfu' thing that's happened to wee Johnnie Paterson?" "I haven't heard about it," I said. "What is it?" "Weel, I'll tell ye hoo it happened, John--tuts, excuse me ca'in' ye John--that's my man's name, ye ken; an' when a wummin's been mairrit for three-an'-twenty year--ay, it's a lang time! though I couldna wish a kinder or a better man than John--no--imphm; an' d'ye ken, we've seen some gey ups an' doons since I was mairrit. D'ye ken, I mind when the sugar was a shillin' the pund an' the loaf was eleven-pence--imphm; ay, bit that's no what I was tellin' ye though. What was't I was sayin', again? Ouay, aboot wee Johnnie Paterson. I'm sorry for the laddie, though he's a wild laddie tae. I'll tell ye hoo it happened: I was jist gaun awa' doon for a penny wuth o' soor milk tae the bairns an' John--for he's rale fond o' a drink o' 'soor dook,' as he ca's 't. He says he wudna gie a drink o' soor dook for a' yer beers; an' I'm share it's a great blessin', an' a hantle cheaper. There's Tam Wud's wife: I dinna ken hoo she manages to bring up her bairns, for Tam never gangs hame wi' his wages sober on a Setterday nicht; but I'm thinkin' the grocer kens, puir man! an' d'ye ken that's a thing I wudna like tae dae--no--imphm. Aweel, ay, bit that's no what I was gaun tae tell ye though. What was't again? Ou ay, aboot wee Johnnie Paterson, puir laddie! D'ye ken, I'm rale sorry for the laddie's mother tae. I'll tell ye hoo it happened: I was jist gaun awa' doon for the penny wuth o' soor milk, as I was sayin', tae Mrs. White, puir body! for d'ye ken, I aye like tae get my milk fae Mrs. White, for she deserves great credit for the way she's brocht up her family since her man was killed, seven year since, an' left her wi' five sma' bairns. Puir Tam White! he was comin' hame yae day wi' a cairt o' gress for the kye, an' disn't yin o' the wheels come aff, an' here was Tam landit on the croon o' his heid on a stane, an' he was fund lyin' deid--through pure laziness--ay, for if he hadna been sittin' on a loadened cairt he couldna a' been cowpit aff, ye ken. Aweel, ay, bit that's no what I was gaun to tell ye though. What was't I was--ou ay--aboot wee Johnnie Paterson. I'll tell ye hoo it happened: here am n't I gaun awa' doon for the pennywuth o' soor milk, as I was sayin', an' I had my wee bit bairn wi' me, an' it began tae whine an' greet, an' I