“When I saw that all my endeavours availed nothing towards my conquering sin, I almost resolved to sin on, and to go at last to hell. But, I remember, there was a sort of sweetness even in the midst of this abominable thought. If I go to hell, said I, I will still love God there; and since I cannot be an instance of His mercy in heaven, I will be an instance of His justice among the devils; and if I put forth His glory one way or the other, I am content. “But I soon recovered the ground I had lost. Christ died for _all_, thought I; then He died for _me_; and, as I sincerely desire to be His, He will surely take me to Himself. He will surely let me know before I die that He died for me. But then, I thought, this may only be in my dying hour, and that is a long time to wait. But I answered thus: My Saviour was above thirty-three years working out my salvation; let me wait for Him as long, and then I may talk of impatience. Does God owe me anything? Is He bound to time and place? Do I deserve anything at His hands but damnation? “So I went on, sinning and repenting, and sinning again; but still calling on God’s mercy through Christ. I was now beat out of all my strongholds of pride. I felt my helplessness, and lay at the foot of the throne of grace. I cried, though _coldly_, yet I believe _sincerely_, ‘Lord, save me! Give me justifying faith in Thy blood! Cleanse me from my sins!’ I seldom went to private prayer, but I thought, ‘Perhaps this is the happy hour when I shall prevail with God;’ but still I was disappointed. “On Sunday, January 19, 1755, I heard an excellent sermon on, ‘Being justified by faith, we have peace with God, through our Lord Jesus Christ.’ I heard it attentively, but my heart was not moved. I was only more convinced that I was an unbeliever—that I was not justified by faith—and that I should never till then have peace with God. The hymn after the sermon suited the subject that had been treated of, but I could not join in singing it. I sat mourning, whilst others rejoiced in the Lord their Saviour. “The following day, I begged of God to show me all the wickedness of my heart, and to fit me for His mercy. I besought Him to increase my convictions, for I was afraid I did not _mourn_ enough for my sins. But I found relief in Mr. Wesley’s Journal, where I learned that we should not build on what we feel; but that we should go to Christ with all our sins and all our hardness of heart.