What Every Woman KnowsBarrie, J. M. (James Matthew)
General
What Every Woman Knows
Barrie, J. M. (James Matthew)
Comedy plays; Man-woman relationships -- Drama
[Man’s most pleasant invention is the lawn-mower. All the birds know
this, and that is why, when it is at rest, there is always at least one
of them sitting on the handle with his head cocked, wondering how the
delicious whirring sound is made. When they find out, they will change
their note. As it is, you must sometimes have thought that you heard the
mower very early in the morning, and perhaps you peeped in neglige from
your lattice window to see who was up so early. It was really the birds
trying to get the note.
On this broiling morning, however, we are at noon, and whoever looks
will see that the whirring is done by Mr. Venables. He is in a linen
suit with the coat discarded (the bird is sitting on it), and he comes
and goes across the Comtesse’s lawns, pleasantly mopping his face. We
see him through a crooked bowed window generously open, roses intruding
into it as if to prevent its ever being closed at night; there are other
roses in such armfuls on the tables that one could not easily say where
the room ends and the garden begins.
In the Comtesse’s pretty comic drawing-room (for she likes the comic
touch when she is in England) sits John Shand with his hostess, on
chairs at a great distance from each other. No linen garments for John,
nor flannels, nor even knickerbockers; he envies the English way of
dressing for trees and lawns, but is too Scotch to be able to imitate
it; he wears tweeds, just as he would do in his native country where
they would be in kilts. Like many another Scot, the first time he ever
saw a kilt was on a Sassenach; indeed kilts were perhaps invented, like
golf, to draw the English north. John is doing nothing, which again is
not a Scotch accomplishment, and he looks rather miserable and dour. The
Comtesse is already at her Patience cards, and occasionally she smiles
on him as if not displeased with his long silence. At last she speaks:]
COMTESSE. I feel it rather a shame to detain you here on such a lovely
day, Mr. Shand, entertaining an old woman.
JOHN. I don’t pretend to think I’m entertaining you, Comtesse.
COMTESSE. But you ARE, you know.
JOHN. I would be pleased to be told how?
[She shrugs her impertinent shoulders, and presently there is another
heavy sigh from JOHN.]
COMTESSE. Again! Why do not you go out on the river?
JOHN. Yes, I can do that. [He rises.]
COMTESSE. And take Sybil with you. [He sits again.] No?
JOHN. I have been on the river with her twenty times.
COMTESSE. Then take her for a long walk through the Fairloe woods.
JOHN. We were there twice last week.
COMTESSE. There is a romantically damp little arbour at the end of what
the villagers call the Lovers’ Lane.
JOHN. One can’t go there every day. I see nothing to laugh at.
COMTESSE. Did I laugh? I must have been translating the situation into
French.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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