What I Remember, Volume 1Trollope, Thomas Adolphus
History
What I Remember, Volume 1
Trollope, Thomas Adolphus
Authors, English -- 19th century -- Biography; Trollope, Thomas Adolphus, 1810-1892
The duty was a very specially sad one. When I followed my mother to the
grave at Florence many years afterwards my thoughts were far from being
as painfully sad, though she was, I fear, the better loved parent of the
two. She died in a ripe old age after a singularly happy, though not
untroubled, life, during many years of which it was permissible to me to
believe that I had had no small share in ministering to her happiness.
It was otherwise in the case of my father. He was, and had been, I take
it, for many years a very unhappy man. All had gone wrong with him;
misfortunes fell on him, one on the back of the other. Yet I do not
think that these misfortunes were the real and efficient causes of his
unhappiness. I do not see what concatenation of circumstances could have
made him happy. He was in many respects a singular man. Ill-health and
physical suffering, of course, are great causes of an unhappy life; but
all suffering invalids are not unhappy. My father’s mind was, I think,
to a singular degree under the dominion of his body. The terrible
irritability of his temper, which sometimes in his latter years reached
a pitch that made one fear his reason was, or would become, unhinged,
was undoubtedly due to the shattering of his nervous system, caused by
the habitual use of calomel. But it is difficult for one who has never
had a similar experience to conceive the degree in which this
irritability made the misery of all who were called upon habitually to
come into contact with it. I do not think that it would be an
exaggeration to say that for many years no person came into my father’s
presence who did not forthwith desire to escape from it. Of course, this
desire was not yielded to by those of his own household, but they were
none the less conscious of it. Happiness, mirth, contentment, pleasant
conversation, seemed to fly before him as if a malevolent spirit
emanated from him. And all the time no human being was more innocent of
all malevolence towards his fellow creatures; and he was a man who would
fain have been loved, and who knew that he was not loved, but knew
neither how to manifest his desire for affection nor how to conciliate
it.
I am the more convinced that bodily ailment was the _causa causans_ of
most, if not of all, of this unhappy idiosyncrasy, that I have before me
abundant evidence that as a young man he was beloved and esteemed by his
cotemporaries and associates. I have many letters from college friends,
fellows of New College, his cotemporaries, several of them thanking him
for kindnesses of a more or less important kind, and all written in a
spirit of high regard and esteem.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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