Joan's liking for her kind-hearted neighbor had suffered a sudden
eclipse. Ellen was right about her--"Lady is as lady does." It was worse
than vulgar to force herself upon them at such a time--it was unfeeling,
indecent. She envied her father's poise. She had never seen him appear
to such advantage as upon this trying occasion, in his new, cheap black
suit which had not as yet had time to acquire spots and wrinkles, his
fine features showing the ravages of sorrow, his handsome gray head bent
courteously toward this voluble companion as though her every word were
priceless. Manners, she reflected, cannot be assumed on occasion like
garments, but are a part of the very texture of a personality. She could
not imagine her father anything but suavely courteous, even under the
most untoward circumstance.
Nevertheless, beneath her pride in him lingered an odd fear lest, now
that he had an audience, he might be moved to oratory over her mother's
grave. With Richard Darcy emotion and the expression of it were usually
simultaneous. Joan's unresponsiveness (a trait which she hated in
herself, but could not help) had hitherto kept her father somewhat in
check; but in the presence of a kindly warmth of sympathy like Mrs.
Calloway's there was no telling what might happen.
The Major, however, contented himself with murmuring, as he approached
the grave, "She was very, very dear to me!" in so touching a voice that
Mrs. Calloway openly wiped her eyes, exclaiming, "You poor man! Don't
you think I understand--I, who've laid away two of them?"
Joan moved hastily out of earshot, leaving the pair to reminiscence.
Talk of things that hurt was to the girl like pouring acid upon an open
wound; but if it helped her poor father, by all means let it help him.
She had never made the mistake of thinking that because his grief was
facile it was any the less strong and real. His utter helplessness, his
stunned amaze that the wife he so sorely needed could have gone away and
left him to bear the vicissitudes of life without her, were as piteous
to his daughter as the wailing grief of a child. If she could have
comforted him in any way other than by speech she would have done so. In
the presence of great emotion she was dumb--though she sometimes thought
she might be able to write him what she felt. Often at night she lay
awake for hours, wondering how she could drive out of his eyes that
baffled, frightened look which always came when things went wrong with
him, and which only her mother had been able to banish....
It haunted her all through the months which followed, that look of her
father's; and sometimes in the midst of school-girl gaieties she would
fall suddenly silent, thinking that she had no right to enjoy herself
because he was there alone in the city of his childhood which seemed to
have forgotten him. Joan was not yet quite the hard young egotist she
intended to become.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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