"I must tell your lordship, then, that, the State Inquisitors shut me up under the Leads; that after fifteen months and five days of imprisonment I succeeded in piercing the roof; that after many difficulties I reached the chancery by a window, and broke open the door; afterwards I got to St. Mark's Place, whence, taking a gondola which bore me to the mainland, I arrived at Paris, and have had the honour to pay my duty to your lordship." PARIS AND HOLLAND [JC#11][jcphl10.xxx]2961 Oh, you women! beauty is the only unpardonable offence in your eyes. Mdlle. Casanova was Esther's friend, and yet she could not bear to hear her praised. Desire is only kept alive by being denied: enjoyment kills it, since one cannot desire what one has got. If one tells a lie a sufficient number of times, one ends by believing it. Nevertheless, the idea of the marriage state, for which I felt I had no vocation, made me tremble. All this was clear enough, but strong passion and prejudice cannot reason. I had all the necessary qualities to second the efforts of the blind goddess on my behalf save one--perseverance. My immoderate life of pleasure annulled the effect of all my other qualities. RETURN TO PARIS [JC#12][jcrpr10.xxx]2962 The first motive is always self-interest. On his death-bed he became a Catholic out of deference to the tears of his wife; but as his children could not inherit his forty thousand pounds invested in England, without conforming to the Church of England, the family returned to London, where the widow complied with all the obligations of the law of England. What will people not do when their interests are at stake! though in a case like this there is no need to blame a person for yielding, to prejudices which had the sanction of the law. I never could believe in the morality of snatching from poor mortal man the delusions which make them happy. HOLLAND AND GERMANY [JC#13][jchgr10.xxx]2963 Now, when all these troubles have been long over and I can think over them calmly, reflecting on the annoyances I experienced at Amsterdam, where I might have been so happy, I am forced to admit that we ourselves are the authors of almost all our woes and griefs, of which we so unreasonably complain. If I could live my life over again, should I be wiser? Perhaps; but then I should not be myself. Lucie was only thirty-three, but she was the wreck of a woman, and women are always as old as they look. An English lady said, I forget in what connection, that a man of honour should never risk sitting down to dinner at an hotel unless he felt inclined, if necessary, to fight. The remark was very true at that time, when one had to draw the sword for an idle word, and to expose one's self to the consequences of a duel, or else be pointed at, even by the ladies, with the finger of scorn. SWITZERLAND [JC#14][jcswt10.xxx]2964