_Old._ Well, she has been so long in chancery, that I'll stand to her equity and decree between us. Come, lady, pray snap up this young snap[107] at first, or we shall be troubled with him. Give him a city-widow's answer, that is, with all the ill-breeding imaginable.--[_Aside to_ Widow BLACKACRE.] Come, madam. _Wid._ Well then, to make an end of this foolish wooing, for nothing interrupts business more: first for you, major-- _Old._ You declare in my favour, then? _Free._ What, direct the court! come, young lawyer, thou shalt be a counsel for me. [_To_ JERRY. _Jer._ Gad, I shall betray your cause then, as well as an older lawyer; never stir. _Wid._ First, I say, for you, major, my walking hospital of an ancient foundation; thou bag of mummy, that wouldst fall asunder, if 'twere not for thy cerecloths-- _Old._ How, lady! _Free._ Ha! ha!-- _Jer._ Hey, brave mother! use all suitors thus, for my sake. _Wid._ Thou withered, hobbling, distorted cripple; nay, thou art a cripple all over: wouldst thou make me the staff of thy age, the crutch of thy decrepidness? me-- _Free._ Well said, widow! Faith, thou wouldst make a man love thee now, without dissembling. _Wid._ Thou senseless, impertinent, quibbling, drivelling, feeble, paralytic, impotent, fumbling, frigid nincompoop! _Jer._ Hey, brave mother, for calling of names, i'fac! _Wid._ Wouldst thou make a caudle-maker, a nurse of me? can't you be bedrid without a bed-fellow? won't your swan-skins, furs, flannels, and the scorched trencher, keep you warm there? would you have me your Scotch warming-pan,[108] with a pox to you! me-- _Old._ O Heavens! _Free._ I told you I should be thought the fitter man, major. _Jer._ Ay, you old fobus, and you would have been my guardian, would you, to have taken care of my estate, that half of't should never come to me, by letting long leases at pepper-corn rents? _Wid._ If I would have married an old man, 'tis well known I might have married an earl, nay, what's more, a judge, and been covered the winter nights with the lambskins, which I prefer to the ermines of nobles. And dost thou think I would wrong my poor minor there for you? _Free._ Your minor is a chopping minor, God bless him! [_Strokes_ JERRY _on the head._ _Old._ Your minor may be a major of horse or foot, for his bigness; and it seems you will have the cheating of your minor to yourself. _Wid._ Pray, sir, bear witness:--cheat my minor! I'll bring my action of the case for the slander. _Free._ Nay, I would bear false witness for thee now, widow, since you have done me justice, and have thought me the fitter man for you. _Wid._ Fair and softly, sir, 'tis my minor's case, more than my own; and I must do him justice now on you. _Free._ How! _Old._ So then. _Wid._ You are, first, (I warrant,) some renegado from the inns of court and the law; and thou'lt come to suffer for't by the law, that is, be hanged. _Jer._ Not about your neck, forsooth, I hope. _Free._ But, madam--