"I visited the university, nevertheless I remained faithful to my solitary, dreamy tendency. I was never to be seen at the drinking parties of our duelling clubs, although I attended their fencing school; I learned to wield the blade bravely, and if any one disturbed or ridiculed me, I demanded satisfaction of him. Dry knowledge imprinted itself on my memory, yet it remained a stranger to my own mental life. The philosophy of the lecture-room gave me no reply to those questions of my soul; I followed their mathematical problems with interest, but they did not touch that which laid hold of my inmost feelings. The lecturer at that time was a highly esteemed master of the art of thinking, yet he confined himself to the tangible, the palpable, and my mind was devoted to the unfathomable. "Would the world's secret let itself be put into set forms? Would it not much rather disclose itself to inexpressible feelings? A nameless longing took possession of me, to fathom the secret connection between the world's spirit and my own, which at those moments of inspired views had illumined my soul as with flashes of lightning, only to take refuge again in the unattainable. "It was the same supreme feeling that was peculiar to religious fervour, and yet it lay so far removed from the ordinary circle of conceptions in which believers moved. The daring idea of founding a new religion, or at least of expounding in a new manner that which for thousands of years had been the tradition of faith, often rose within my soul; then--I started at this daring; was it not a lesser venture to emigrate to Madagascar, than to discover a new world of religion? "The ecstacies which Nature granted me, even as she appeared in the Baltic country mostly void of charms, remained the same; I felt inwardly related to her. On the other hand, Nature stood before me in lofty estrangement in another form in woman. While stormy youth around me had long since in daily pleasures denuded of its leaves that which appeared to me the sacred crowning work of creation, I still experienced a dread of and longing for it, as though for me it were something unapproachable. I felt that for me one half of the world lay in obscurity; like that hemisphere from which the sun is averted, it lay as if bedded in the lap of sacred night, and an ambrosial magical light seemed to flow from it. I shuddered, as through me passed a nervous dread of that moment in which this dark world should move with me into the bright sunshine of knowledge.