Bildungsromans; France -- Social life and customs -- 19th century -- Fiction; Villages -- France -- Fiction
body, forcing it to set its perceptions on the permanent footing of a
vigilant and defensive guard, would have kept my sight, my hearing, all
my senses in a position as cramped and comfortless (even if I had
stretched out my legs) as that of Cardinal La Balue in the cage in which
he could neither stand nor sit. It is our noticing them that puts things
in a room, our growing used to them that takes them away again and
clears a space for us. Space there was none for me in my bedroom (mine
in name only) at Balbec; it was full of things which did not know me,
which flung back at me the distrustful look that I had cast at them,
and, without taking any heed of my existence, shewed that I was
interrupting the course of theirs. The clock--whereas at home I heard my
clock tick only a few seconds in a week, when I was coming out of some
profound meditation--continued without a moment's interruption to utter,
in an unknown tongue, a series of observations which must have been most
uncomplimentary to myself, for the violet curtains listened to them
without replying, but in an attitude such as people adopt who shrug
their shoulders to indicate that the sight of a third person irritates
them. They gave to this room with its lofty ceiling a semi-historical
character which might have made it a suitable place for the
assassination of the Duc de Guise, and afterwards for parties of
tourists personally conducted by one of Messrs. Thomas Cook and Son's
guides, but for me to sleep in--no. I was tormented by the presence of
some little bookcases with glass fronts which ran along the walls, but
especially by a large mirror with feet which stood across one corner,
for I felt that until it had left the room there would be no possibility
of rest for me there. I kept raising my eyes--which the things in my
room in Paris disturbed me no more than did my eyelids themselves, for
they were merely extensions of my organs, an enlargement of
myself--towards the fantastically high ceiling of this belvedere planted
upon the summit of the hotel which my grandmother had chosen for me; and
in that region more intimate than those in which we see and hear, that
region in which we test the quality of odours, almost in the very heart
of my inmost self, the smell of flowering grasses next launched its
offensive against my last feeble line of trenches, where I stood up to
it, not without tiring myself still further, with the futile incessant
defence of an anxious sniffing. Having no world, no room, no body now
that was not menaced by the enemies thronging round me, invaded to the
very bones by fever, I was utterly alone; I longed to die. Then my
grandmother came in, and to the expansion of my ebbing heart there
opened at once an infinity of space.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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