"A clinging trust is, indeed, all that I have left," she had replied
so sadly that his eye suddenly moistened; "but the waves of trouble
seem strong and pitiless, and I sometimes fear that my hands
are growing numb and powerless. In plain prose, I'm just plodding
on--God knows whither. In my weary, faltering way I am trying to
trust Him," she added, after a brief silence, "and I always hope
to; but I am so tired, Mr. Wentworth, so depressed, that I'm like
the soldiers that have been described to me as marching on with
heavy eyes and heavy feet because they must. There is no use
in my coming to the chapel, for I haven't the heart to say a word
of cheer to any one, and hollow words would hurt me, while doing
no good. I am trying your charity sorely, but I can't help it. I
fear you cannot understand me, for even your Christian sympathy is
a burden. I'm too tired, too sorely wounded to make any response;
while all the time I feel that I ought to respond gratefully and
earnestly. It seems a harsh and unnatural thing to say, but my chief
wish is to shrink away from everybody and everything not essential
to my daily work. I think I shall have strength enough to keep up
a mechanical routine of life for a long time, but you must not ask
me to think or give way to feeling, much less to talk about myself
and--and--the others. If I should lose this stolid self-control
which I am gaining, and which enables me to plod along day by day
with my eyes shut to what may be on the morrow, I believe I should
become helpless from despair and grief."
"My dear child," the clergyman had replied, in deep solicitude, "I
fear you are dangerously morbid; and yet I don't know. This approach
to apathy of which you speak may be God's shield from thoughts that
would be sharp arrows. I can't help my honest sympathy, and I hope
and trust that I may soon be able to show it in some helpful way--I
mean in the way of finding you more remunerative and less cruel
work," he added quickly, as he saw a faint flush rising in the young
girl's face. Then he concluded, gravely and gently, "Miss Mildred,
I respect you--I respect even your pride; but, in the name of our
common faith and the bonds it implies, do not carry it too far.
Good-by. Come to me whenever you need, or your conscience suggests
my name," and the good man went away wholly bent on obtaining some
better employment for Mildred; and he made not a little effort
to do so, only to find every avenue of labor suited to the girl's
capacity already thronged. Meanwhile the needs and sorrows of
others absorbed his time and thoughts.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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