CRAMPTON. Ha! (Bitterly.) The head of the table! WAITER (holding the chair for him with inoffensive encouragement). This end, sir. (Crampton submits, and takes his seat.) Thank you, sir. MRS. CLANDON. Mr. Valentine: will you take that side (indicating the side nearest the parapet) with Gloria? (Valentine and Gloria take their places, Gloria next Crampton and Valentine next Mrs. Clandon.) Finch: I must put you on this side, between Dolly and Phil. You must protect yourself as best you can. (The three take the remaining side of the table, Dolly next her mother, Phil next his father, and McComas between them. Soup is served.) WAITER (to Crampton). Thick or clear, sir? CRAMPTON (to Mrs. Clandon). Does nobody ask a blessing in this household? PHILIP (interposing smartly). Let us first settle what we are about to receive. William! WAITER. Yes, sir. (He glides swiftly round the table to Phil's left elbow. On his way he whispers to the young waiter) Thick. PHILIP. Two small Lagers for the children as usual, William; and one large for this gentleman (indicating Valentine). Large Apollinaris for Mr. McComas. WAITER. Yes, sir. DOLLY. Have a six of Irish in it, Finch? McCOMAS (scandalized). No--no, thank you. PHILIP. Number 413 for my mother and Miss Gloria as before; and-- (turning enquiringly to Crampton) Eh? CRAMPTON (scowling and about to reply offensively). I-- WAITER (striking in mellifluously). All right, sir. We know what Mr. Crampton likes here, sir. (He goes into the hotel.) PHILIP (looking gravely at his father). You frequent bars. Bad habit! (The cook, accompanied by a waiter with a supply of hot plates, brings in the fish from the kitchen to the service table, and begins slicing it.) CRAMPTON. You have learnt your lesson from your mother, I see. MRS. CLANDON. Phil: will you please remember that your jokes are apt to irritate people who are not accustomed to us, and that your father is our guest to-day. CRAMPTON (bitterly). Yes, a guest at the head of my own table. (The soup plates are removed.) DOLLY (sympathetically). Yes: it's embarrassing, isn't it? It's just as bad for us, you know. PHILIP. Sh! Dolly: we are both wanting in tact. (To Crampton.) We mean well, Mr. Crampton; but we are not yet strong in the filial line. (The waiter returns from the hotel with the drinks.) William: come and restore good feeling. WAITER (cheerfully). Yes, sir. Certainly, sir. Small Lager for you, sir. (To Crampton.) Seltzer and Irish, sir. (To McComas.) Apollinaris, sir. (To Dolly.) Small Lager, miss. (To Mrs. Clandon, pouring out wine.) 413, madam. (To Valentine.) Large Lager for you, sir. (To Gloria.) 413, miss. DOLLY (drinking). To the family! PHILIP. (drinking). Hearth and Home! (Fish is served.) McCOMAS (with an obviously forced attempt at cheerful domesticity). We are getting on very nicely after all. DOLLY (critically). After all! After all what, Finch?