When Hedger came slinking out of his closet, he sat down on the edge of
the couch, sat for hours without moving. He was not painting at all now.
This thing, whatever it was, drank him up as ideas had sometimes done,
and he sank into a stupor of idleness as deep and dark as the stupor of
work. He could not understand it; he was no boy, he had worked from
models for years, and a woman's body was no mystery to him. Yet now he
did nothing but sit and think about one. He slept very little, and with
the first light of morning he awoke as completely possessed by this woman
as if he had been with her all the night before. The unconscious
operations of life went on in him only to perpetuate this excitement. His
brain held but one image now--vibrated, burned with it. It was a
heathenish feeling; without friendliness, almost without tenderness.
Women had come and gone in Hedger's life. Not having had a mother to
begin with, his relations with them, whether amorous or friendly, had
been casual. He got on well with janitresses and wash-women, with Indians
and with the peasant women of foreign countries. He had friends among the
silk-skirt factory girls who came to eat their lunch in Washington
Square, and he sometimes took a model for a day in the country. He felt
an unreasoning antipathy toward the well-dressed women he saw coming out
of big shops, or driving in the Park. If, on his way to the Art Museum,
he noticed a pretty girl standing on the steps of one of the houses on
upper Fifth Avenue, he frowned at her and went by with his shoulders
hunched up as if he were cold. He had never known such girls, or heard
them talk, or seen the inside of the houses in which they lived; but he
believed them all to be artificial and, in an aesthetic sense, perverted.
He saw them enslaved by desire of merchandise and manufactured articles,
effective only in making life complicated and insincere and in
embroidering it with ugly and meaningless trivialities. They were enough,
he thought, to make one almost forget woman as she existed in art, in
thought, and in the universe.
He had no desire to know the woman who had, for the time at least, so
broken up his life,--no curiosity about her every-day personality. He
shunned any revelation of it, and he listened for Miss Bower's coming and
going, not to encounter, but to avoid her. He wished that the girl who
wore shirt-waists and got letters from Chicago would keep out of his way,
that she did not exist. With her he had naught to make. But in a room
full of sun, before an old mirror, on a little enchanted rug of sleeping
colours, he had seen a woman who emerged naked through a door, and
disappeared naked. He thought of that body as never having been clad, or
as having worn the stuffs and dyes of all the centuries but his own. And
for him she had no geographical associations; unless with Crete, or
Alexandria, or Veronese's Venice. She was the immortal conception, the
perennial theme.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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