The Comic Almanack, Volume 2: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities
David Hume · en
"After your insulting conduct I can no longer consent to the
continuance of our acquaintance. I must beg, therefore, that
henceforth we be as Strangers; and that you will never again dare to
offend me with the protestation of your regard, which it is utterly
impossible for me further to acknowledge.
"CARLOTTA."
"Gone! gone!" groaned Goffoni; and he sunk overwhelmed upon the sofa,
and buried his face in his hands. Presently he started up again—buttoned
his coat vehemently—knocked his hat on his head—and dashed from the
house with a wild look of despair and prussic acid.
That miserable-looking middle-aged gentleman, seated on that stone in
the heart of that wood, is Signor Goffoni. And that small phial, which
he takes from his waistcoat-pocket, is labelled "LAUDANUM!" He has
sought out this secluded spot, and purchased this poisonous potion, to
put a premature "finis" to his wretched biography. For "what is the
world now to him?" he says—"a wilderness—a desert. He has lost the angel
who made it a paradise; and as he always felt convinced that there was
not another woman like her upon earth, why should he go dawdling on
alone to the grave? No! he is resolved! Bereft of his Carlotta, he cares
not to live, and fears not to die. She has bidden adieu to him, so he
will bid adieu to the world."
With this brief oration the woe-begone Goffoni drew the stopper from the
phial, and swallowed its contents.
No sooner had he drunk off the deadly draught than a Signor, habited in
a capacious cloak, started up from behind the stone on which Goffoni was
seated, and inquired whether he would save the life of a
fellow-creature?
"I save the life of a fellow-creature!" gasped Goffoni, dropping the
empty phial with amazement from his hand; "I am a dying man myself!"
"Yes! I know that," replied the Signor in the cloak, "and that is the
cause of my making the request. The fact is, the other gentleman, whose
life is in danger, is not quite so tired of his existence as you seem to
be of yours. And since you are determined on going out of the world, you
may as well leave it with the grace of a good action, and let your death
be the salvation of his life."
Goffoni, who was now ready to clutch at any straw that appeared likely
to save him from sinking in the next world, simply asked, "How that
could be?"
"Oh, never mind about that," returned he in the cloak; "only you consent
to do it, and I'll soon tell you how. Come! what do you say? Recollect
'charity covers a multitude of sins,' and you've got a pretty good lot
here to answer for, certainly."
Goffoni felt that he had, and being anxious now to obtain absolution by
any means, he, not very reluctantly, promised to do what the stranger
desired.