HOW TO GET A LUNCHEON FOR NOTHING.—Look in at the auctions, and patronize one where there is a sale of wine. Take a biscuit with you, and you may have as many glasses of port or sherry as you please. Just make a small bid now and then, for recollect Homer sometimes nodded. HOW TO HAVE YOUR PORTRAIT TAKEN FOR NOTHING.—Just fight a duel, or run away with somebody's wife, and your portrait is sure to be given in one of the illustrated papers. HOW TO DRESS FOR NOTHING.—Go to an advertising tailor, and get him to take out your clothes in poetry. The same with your hatter, bootmaker, and hosier. Your poetry must be very poor stuff if you cannot get a suit of clothes out of it, and its feet must be lame indeed if they do not afford you a pair of Wellingtons. CURIOUS SUMS FOR THE CALCULATING MACHINE. BY JOLLY COCKER. Calculate the number of English ladies who understand French thoroughly; can read it, but cannot speak it. Deduct the amount that has been lost at railways from that which has been made by them, and state what article of value the difference (if any) will purchase. The ages of seven elderly ladies amount in their passports to 148; find out their real ages. Ten friends of Green sit down to play at unlimited loo, and 93_l._ are lost before the morning. Everybody declares he has lost. You are to find out, if you can, which of the party has won? The population of the earth is 800,000,000. Required to find one person who will mind his own business. Thompson (of the Albany) pays 12_l._ annually for income-tax. His cigars cost him as much; his opera-stall four times as much; his horse six times as much; and his gloves, bouquets, bets, and tiger ten times as much. What is Thompson's real income? A carpet-bag of an ordinary capacity will hold two coats, three pairs of trousers, one dressing-case, one pair of boots, six shirts, two night ditto, three pairs of stockings, six collars, and one dressing-gown. These articles can be put into it with perfect ease when you are going to make a week's stay in the country. How much will the same carpet-bag contain if you are going to Boulogne for an indefinite period? Solomons buys a diamond ring for 1_l._ He sells it, and loses "thirty shillings, by Gosh, by it." He buys it again, and sells it at another loss of 2_l._ How much does Solomons make by the ring? Your tailor applies for money; "He has a little bill to take up." There are 30,000 tailors in London. What is the sum total of all the little bills they have to take up in the course of the year? A "Triumphant Success" averages generally from 5_l._ to 5_l._ 17_s._ 6_d._; "Crowded Houses" hold 6_l._; "Overflowing Audiences" will bring in as much as 8_l._ 12_s._ How much is a "Blaze of Triumph" worth?