Still some "scoundrels" declare he's hardhearted That he curses each beggar he meets— That for rent he unhous'd his old Father, And of want let him die in the streets. Pooh! pooh! he subscribes every quarter For the Mission'ries sent to Japan, And if that doesn't make one respectable, Why, what _is_ a respectable Man? Of Religion he well knows the value, For he was the first of beginners To run up a fashionable Chapel For elegant "mis'rable sinners;" And to hire a good-looking Parson To tell Dowagers "life's but a span," For he loves to serve both God and Mammon, Like a highly respectable Man. His Daughter has married for love, Though she'd offers from persons of Rank, And "my Lady" at least might have been With the money he had in the Bank; But since she thought fit to disgrace him, She may live in the best way she can, So he leaves his own Daughter to starve, Like a highly respectable Man. Then he makes a fresh will ev'ry quarter— Or when he's a fit of "the blues"— Or his Wife has offended him somehow— Or some Son will not follow his views; And he threatens to leave them all beggars, Whene'er they come under his ban— He'll bequeath all his wealth to an Hospital, Like a highly respectable Man. EVERY-DAY RECIPES. BY A VERY FAST MAN. HOW TO GET A RIDE FOR NOTHING.—When you have reached your destination you must scream out in a loud voice of alarm, "Hallo! stop—I've got into the wrong omnibus," and rush out as quickly as you can, blowing up the conductor for having brought you so much out of your way. [Illustration: "FULL INSIDE, SIR, BUT PLENTY OF ROOM ON THE TOP." ] HOW TO LIVE UPON NOTHING A-YEAR.—Get elected a Member of Parliament, and you may contract as many debts as you please without paying one of them. HOW TO GET A DOZEN OF WINE FOR NOTHING.—Go to twelve different wine-merchants, and get each of them to send you in a sample bottle. You have only to say afterwards the wine isn't exactly to your taste—you wanted a much fuller wine—and you may get another dozen by the same means free of expense. HOW TO GET A GLASS OF WARM BRANDY AND WATER FOR NOTHING.—Fall in the ice, and you will be carried to the Royal Humane Society's establishment, and a glass of brandy and water will be given to you directly. If you are very bad a second will be administered, and you will be put to bed, and have a good "tuck in" into the bargain. HOW TO GET A LIBRARY FOR NOTHING.—Borrow books, and, of course, keep them.