The Comic Almanack, Volume 2: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities — David Hume — John Shaqi
The Comic Almanack, Volume 2: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities
David Hume · en
All, did I say? It is false. There is one figure still, very still, on
its legs. He is no purveyor of chalk, or human kindness. He is not a
thief either, save one of Time; and better to rob him than Rogers'
bank,—though, it is true, the notes may be stopped, but the minutes,
alas! never. Whose is that figure? Egad! It is the Frenchman's.
There he stands, opposite the same identical emporium. He is wrapt in
mystery and a Spanish cloak, with a collar borrowed from the poodle. He
has not moved the whisper of a pig to the right or to the left. What
fearful secret can chain him to that awful spot?
His iron glances seem as if they would pierce like nails at tenpence
a-piece the shutters of that Depôt. The hunger on his countenance is not
yet appeased. I offer him an Havannah, the best that the Green of
Turnham can produce. He answers me only with a sallow smile. No
complaint escapes his lips, though it is clear as Thames water that is
filtered that he is ill at ease. Ah! perhaps he is doing penance for
some early crime? Perhaps it is a vow he has registered in some album to
please his Love? Perhaps—but I waste the valuable ink of the printer
with these idle sur-mises; be the awful cause what it will, from the
bottom of my purse, noble stranger from the noble Land of the _Cancan_,
I do feel for thee! Thou wouldst never remain outside a piscatorial
pastrycook's for nine long hours, transfixed like a _pose plastique_
(only thou art dressed), unless there were some strange mystery at the
bottom of it!
* * * * *
[Illustration:
THE SPIRIT LEVEL.
]
I cannot sleep. My pillow is burning hot. Fever shares my bed. The
vision of that unhappy Frenchman keeps pulling aside the curtains, and
crying aloud in my ear, "Curiosity doth murder sleep." It is too true!
Who can close his eyes, though they be weighed down with two bottles of
port, of the best Public Dinner vintage, and sealed with the smoke of
three-times-ten cigars, when he has a secret gnawing at his heart? I don
my morning suit, and walk breathless, breakfastless to the Strand.
Clerks are plodding to their high stools in the City. All waistcoats are
turned towards St. Paul's. Omnibuses are laden with cashiers—strict
lovers of punctuality—who eat, and drink, and sleep, and make love, by
the chronometer. The antique apple-woman is putting on her great coat,
the relic of her late relict, a deceased cabman. Holloway determines to
have an immense spread, and lays down a roll of ointment eight yards
without a seam. Newspaper boys sing in quires as they canter along with
wet bundles under their arms. The sun rises; the puddles reflect its
golden smiles; the cocks and hens visit their daily cab-stand; the
postman's knock is heard; the clock of St. Clement's strikes nine.
London has begun a new day.
But what are these facts to me? No more than Spanish Bonds, for I do not
even look at them. I have but one object in view, and that is the
Frenchman.