The Comic Almanack, Volume 2: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities — David Hume — John Shaqi
The Comic Almanack, Volume 2: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities
David Hume · en
[Illustration]
But the cloak has disappeared, and the person inside it. His penance
doubtless, is at an end—his humble vow fulfilled. He is gone: but, how
strange! he has left his boots behind him. There they stand, in the
middle of the pavement, bolt upright—one a Blucher, its companion a
Wellington—as if they had risen out of the coal-cellar over night, like
a couple of mushrooms. A phantom policeman attempts to take them up, but
they are riveted to the spot. But, see! the poor exile comes this way:
slippers are on his feet. He claims his boots. "Take them," says the man
of law, bound in blue, and lettered B 32. No! They will not stir. He
pulls them with a pair of boot-hooks, but if there were a Woman's
Obstinacy in each sole, they could not maintain their ground more
stoutly.
A pickaxe is brought. The boots are pulled up at length, but in company
with the flag-stone. They are carried on the latter, as on a tray,
before the magistrate. Their disconsolate owner follows them in his
slippers. He unfolds his simple unadorned tale of woe. First he
identifies the boots. The name of "_Marquis de Carambole_" appears
inside each. Next he states he had been giving a lesson in French for
sixpence to a family in the Lane of Leather. On his way home he stopped
to admire some pies arrayed most temptingly in a sumptuous window. He
tarried longer than he intended, but the luxury of the sight beguiled
away the unconscious moments. He felt his feet getting very warm, but he
thought it was only the grateful steam of the shop. He still looked on,
turning over the sixpence alternately in his mind and in his pocket,
whether he should spend it, or keep it to have his hair curled. At last
he resolved on the rash purchase. He attempted to move, but his right
foot was fastened to the pavement, and his left foot too; he was
motionless; he was literally screwed—he had grown to the ground. He was
riveted to the spot, not only in admiration, but in positive reality.
For four interminable hours he endured worse than the torture of
Tantalus, for eel pies were not known in the dark ages of Pluto. A feast
was before him which he could not touch. Twelve o'clock at last put a
friendly termination to his sufferings: the shop closed. He was left in
the streets of London all by himself. He felt cold. His feet were
benumbed, but he could not do anything to keep them warm. Stamping was
out of the question, for he could not even lift them. A policeman told
him once to "move on," but unfortunately he came like a shadow, and so
departed. He thought of his landlord, of his tailor, of his washerwoman,
of everything that was dear to him. A tear washed his cheek. He trembled
like a creditor. He did not like to shout for aid, his position was so
very ridiculous. At last necessity, the coldest he ever experienced,
conquered his vanity. He cut his straps, and ran away like a second
Napoleon, leaving Wellington and Blucher masters of the field. Having