The Comic Almanack, Volume 2: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities — David Hume — John Shaqi
The Comic Almanack, Volume 2: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities
David Hume · en
finished, the poor Orphan of France demands, in a voice of tears, that
his boots may be restored to him.
[Illustration:
THE APPROACH OF BLUCHER.—INTREPID ADVANCE OF THE FIRST FOOT.
]
"Certainly," says the urbane magistrate; "but you must first pay for the
damage you have done to the pavement."
The poor Frenchman pleads that it is not his fault; but his plea is as
bootless as himself.
A policeman, with the bump of science, craves leave to explain the
mystery.
[Illustration]
Leave is given to him; and, clearing his throat, he speaks thus:—"I
think I can tell, sir, what is the mystery at the bottom of all this. It
is Gutta Percha. This Gutta Percha, sir, is a new material of a
waterproof substance; at first soluble, which afterwards hardens, and
resists the action of water. It is used largely for boots. It is not
proof, however, against heat. The consequence is that when it is exposed
to a great warmth it becomes adhesive, and very tenacious of the footing
it occupies. There is an instance of a cook whose Irish cousin was
warming his feet at the fire; he had on soles made of Gutta Percha. His
boots adhered to the hobs, and there he stuck in the kitchen for a
fortnight till a frost came. It was called Hobbes' 'Essay on the
Understanding.'"
The man of the oil-skin cape is reprimanded severely for this joke, and
then resumes: "It is exactly the same scrape with this gentleman, if he
will excuse the liberty I take in calling him so," he said, bowing to
the Frenchman. "The fact is he remained so long admiring those eel pies
that his soul expanded at the sight, and when he wanted to go he found
he could not tear himself away: the Gutta Percha had become melted with
the heat of the cook-shop, and strapped him to the pavement like a
statue on a pedestal."
The mystery was as clear as if it had been strained with isinglass. The
boots were investigated, and lo! the policeman's words for once were
truth. Gutta Percha was at the bottom of each boot! The spell was
solved, and so after a time were the soles. But let the reader
scrutinize closely the pavement in the Strand; and on the left side,
before he comes to Temple Bar, he will be able to pick out a flag-stone,
opposite the "Royal Emporium for Eel Pies," which has on it the perfect
imprint of the soles of a Blucher and a Wellington. It was on that very
bit of granite where the poor Frenchman stood for nine hours, buffeted
by the stream of people that kept flowing backwards and forwards, and
tortured beyond any modern martyrdom by the tempting feast spread before
him, which he could only devour with his hungry eyes.
Of all the new inventions there is not one which is likely to make a
firmer stand, or keep its ground longer, than Gutta Percha.
THE FEMALE TARS OF GREAT BRITAIN.
FASHIONABLE YACHTING.