JULY. Walk about in armour for fear of mad dogs. The planetary system this month will go on as usual; distrust anybody who tells you to the contrary. Be a philosopher, and have as few wants as possible—cut off your legs, and then you wont require boots, which you will find to be a saving. When you sleep in church do not snore; it is disrespectful to the establishment. If you go to the opera and drop a double-barrelled lorgnette from the fifth tier, and it cracks a man's skull below, bring an action against his representatives for the value of the glass. Make yourself comfortable. [Illustration] AUGUST. Events will take place and circumstances will happen; also things will come to pass. Beware, therefore, and trust the stars. You may have a cold in the head, and you may not. Tace is Latin for a candle, and things must be as they may. Avoid apoplexy, give no encouragement to rheumatism, and, if you are taken ill with typhus fever, don't stand it. Drink not physic slowly, and take chloroform when you're having your hair cut or sitting for your daguerreotype. [Illustration] SEPTEMBER. Go out a shooting; but shoot not the moon, unless you find it convenient. A good month for drinking beer, but avoid salts. Recollect what the wise man sayeth: a bush in the hand is worth two in the bird. Be sage, stuffed with sage. The time for travelling. If you let your moustaches grow, you will immediately begin to speak French and German. Get a passport from the beadle of your parish, _viséd_ by the turncock. Avoid sea-sickness by never ceasing eating and drinking when at sea. If you see the devil have nothing to say to him; he is very far from respectable; cut him. OCTOBER. The harvest is gathered, and the barns are full. The best month for brewing—domestic storms and natural convulsions brewing as well as porter. Get all you can out of your friends. Make love to pretty women with money. If you go to California take care you don't dig up brass for gold. Take heed, the world will come to an end some day; pay your rent if you are obliged—not otherwise. Avoid breaking your leg in three places, five of your ribs, putting your collar-bone out, and fracturing your skull. [Illustration] NOVEMBER. The month for committing suicide; avoid it, however, for yourself. Give your friends presents of rope; if you give them enough, the sage sayeth, they will hang themselves. Fogs are thick; but the wise man sees through them. Roads are muddy; but the rich man rideth in a cab. In this month your hair will grow. Do not be alarmed. Buy the _Comic Almanack_. DECEMBER.