The Comic Almanack, Volume 2: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities
David Hume · en
Winter commences. Bills come pouring in. Trust yet to the stars. Do the
Income Tax—so saith the moral philosopher. All flesh is grass—but beef
is not water-cresses. Make moral reflections, and pay no bills. A bad
month for paying bills. Give no Christmas dinner; but go to some one's
who does. Receive presents of turkeys, geese, pickled salmon, and cod,
with oysters for sauce. Look out for Saturn in the ascendant in the
house of Mars; and when you see a comet with a green tail, send an
express to the astronomer royal, with a lock of your hair.
ECLIPSES IN 1852.
The SUN will be eclipsed the whole year round by the brilliance of the
work the reader holds in his hand. Visible to all the inhabitants of Her
Majesty's dominions, of the United States of America, and of every other
country where English is understood.
The MOON will be eclipsed, during various portions of the seasons, at
the Princess's Theatre, by a set of opposition Moons to be got up by Mr.
Grieve. Visible to the audiences each night.
JUPITER has been so completely eclipsed by the crack boat of that name
belonging to the Gravesend Star Company, that he has drawn in his rays
in disgust, declined upon his axis, assumed a mean—in fact, a remarkably
mean distance, and generally shut up shop.
PALLAS will be eclipsed by Mr. Barry, whose new PALACE will approach
within eighteen or nineteen years of completion. Visible to the
inhabitants of Westminster from dawn to dusk, and to the population
generally, through any dull medium—say the Estimates.
OTHER ASTRONOMICAL INFORMATION.
_To convert Astronomical Mean Time into Mean Civil Time._—Beating being
the shortest way to make mean people civil—beat time.
_To find the distance of Terrestrial Objects._—Take a yard measure, and
measure it. Another way, useful if the object be a window, a friend, or
a public character, is to throw a stone at it, and if you hit it, you
may be sure it is within a stone's throw.
_To set a Sun Dial._—Dig a hole in the earth, and set it. Sun dials are,
however, seldom known to thrive much. The Seven Dials in London grew up
in a soil composed of old clothes, Irish, onions, Jews, and Gin; and the
population is still literally celebrated for knowing what's o'clock,
with occasional rectification by the police.
_Directions to know the Stars._—Notice whose names are printed largest
in the play-bills, and precede the largest sums in the schedule of a
manager when he goes up to the Insolvent Court. Another way is to notice
who play or sing most carelessly when the house is bad, or look sulky
when applause doesn't come.
_To calculate Longitude from the Meridian of Greenwich._—Ascertain how
often a person has eaten whitebait that season.
THE NIGHTINGALE.