How or when it had come she knew not. What woman does? Often she may
point back to some spring morning of the heart, when love burst into
blossom, and say: “Then I knew.” But she is aware that the petals had
long lain delicately folded in the sheaths, and is dimly reminiscent
of growth and expansion. To the how and when of that she can return no
answer. But Irene looked back and found strange tendernesses working
darkly through all the years. Could it have been possible----? Her
womanhood shrank frightened from the suggestion--then tiptoed, with held
breath, up to it again. The union of the two men in her affection had
dated from the first day they had spoken to her on the P. & O. steamer,
and it had existed continuously until one broke away, leaving the other
untouched. Hugh’s loyal love for her had been one of the inner glories
of her life. She had felt it to be the complement of Gerard’s. So much
was clear. But was her own affection for Hugh complementary to her love
for Gerard? Could her feelings towards Gerard have maintained their
homogeneousness without the other influence? Was it, in brief, an
inextricable dual love? She found no answers. All was a mystery--like
the colour of an opal, with an elusive white of shame. Yet no thought
of longing unsatisfied had ever tinged the purity of her wifely worship.
There her soul was free from doubt. Yet again, on the other hand, Hugh
had ever been inexpressibly dear to her. The cult of their idealised
brotherhood had further fused these complex emotions together, thereby
rendering the mystery more inscrutable.
“I can never tell you,” she repeated. “Never. Oh, Hugh dear, I have been
so lost and lonely.”
His arm closed protectingly round her.
“Forgive me, dear,” she said. “I once thought you a weak man--perhaps
that is why I did not love you at first. But now I know that you are
strong--and I need your strength.”
That was the deep key-note of her happiness. Once she had compared the
two men; rock and shifting sand. Idolatry had inverted her vision. It
had been shifting sand and rock. She was safe on the rock now. Often,
lately, had she looked back, in sickened wonder, upon that idolatry.
The whole of her true life with Gerard had revealed itself: the dull
taciturnity she had revered as strength, the ungracious compliances she
had raised to tendernesses or noble actions, the hundred faults she had
transfigured to virtues. In vain she looked for one sparkling deed,
one act of unselfishness, one spontaneous loving caress that she had
treasured, even one proof of more than common mental attainment. In the
very work-a-day business of life he had deceived her; his practice
at the bar was worth little or nothing. She was stupefied at her own
delusion.