A Maid and a Million Men: the candid confessions of Leona Canwick, censored indiscreetly by James G. Dunton
John Stuart Mill · en
“No—not quite. I figured my friend, Sergeant Canwick, bein’ such a good
friend an’ on accounta my savin’ him an’ all that—I figgered he’d be
only too glad to come around and explain the argument and get me outa
the jug, but instead o’ that I stays there and has to listen to some
frog interpreter tellin’ that bartender’s tale o’ woe, an’ in the end
they decided, without my consent, that I had to pay fer the damage done
to his damn old buvette by givin’ up most o’ my pay for four months.
Course that struck me as one o’ the funniest things that ever
happened.... Besides which I discovered that I was supposed to spend ten
days in one o’ them prison gangs, one o’ them heavy labor outfits....
An’ it was so funny that I just laughed and laughed every time I thought
of my good friend, Mister Canwick, an’ how easy he got outa a bad
lickin’.”
“I don’t understand it at all,” I declared.
“Huh—maybe not, buddy, but I do—an’ if you didn’t have them stripes on
ya and if you was a little bigger than the shrimp ya are, I’d give ya a
lacin’ right now to make up fer the one you missed.”
He looked so grim and serious that I was really scared for a minute, but
I insisted over and over again that I didn’t know anything about the jam
at all. “Honest to God, Ben—I haven’t been in Le Mans for a couple of
months—not since I left there with the General! That’s the God’s truth
and I can prove it by the General! We haven’t been near Le Mans!”
He looked at me then and I could see that he was beginning to have
doubts. He wanted to believe me, I guess, but it didn’t seem possible
that he could be wrong. “If it wasn’t you, who was it then?” he finally
demanded. “I’d swear it was you—looked just like you right this
minute.”
Well, I knew who it was. My darling brother had, I thus learned, arrived
in this land of the fleur-de-lis. But I couldn’t tell Ben that. I
couldn’t tell him about Leon, for if we should ever bump into him, Ben
would be sure to wonder why his name was Leonard Lane. There was only
one thing for me to say and I said it: “I can’t imagine who the devil it
was, Ben. I must have a double running loose over here—did he have a
sergeant’s chevron on his sleeve?”
That stumped him for a moment. “Damned if I know,” he admitted. “I
didn’t stop to look. But he looked exactly like you—an’ I still think
it was you.”
“Well, you’re wrong. I give you my word of honor and I can prove that I
haven’t been in Le Mans since I saw you last.” I insisted, and was
gratified to see that he was impressed. “Anyway, I’m much obliged to you
for saving what you thought was me, and I’ll make up the money end of it
to show you my heart’s in the right place.”
“What the hell’s the idea?” he demanded. “If it wasn’t you, why should
you wanta pay the bill?”