831. A loving husband once waited on a physician to request him to prescribe for his wife’s eyes, which were very sore. Let her wash them, said the doctor, every morning, with a small glass of brandy. A few weeks after, the doctor chanced to meet the husband. Well, my friend, has your wife followed my advice? She has done everything in her power to do it, doctor, said the spouse, but she never could get the glass higher than her mouth. 832. Two Scotch clergymen, who were not so long-headed as they themselves imagined, met one day at the turning of a street, and ran their heads together unawares. The shock was rather stunning to one of them. He pulled off his hat, and laying his hand on his forehead, said, Sic a thump! my heed’s a’ ringing again. Nae wonder, said his companion, your heed was aye Boss (empty), that makes it ring; my heed disna ring a bit. How could it ring, said the other, seeing it is cracket? cracket vessels never ring.―Each described the other to a T. 833. I will save you a thousand pounds, said an Irishman to an old gentleman, if you don’t stand in your own light. How? You have a daughter, and you intend to give her ten thousand as a marriage portion. I do, sir. I will take her with nine thousand. 834. An Irishman telling what he called an excellent story, a gentleman observed, he had met with it in a book published many years ago. Confound those ancients, said Teague, they are always stealing one’s good thoughts. 835. A man of the name of Mark Noble, passing by the garrison at Hull, the sentinel, as usual, called out, Who goes there? Twenty shillings, answered Mark. That cannot be, said the sentinel. Why, a Mark and a Noble make twenty shillings, said Mark. 836. I live in Julia’s eyes, said an affected dandy in Colman’s hearing. I don’t wonder at it, replied George, since I observed she had a sty in them when I saw her last. 837. A veteran at the battle of Trafalgar, who was actively employed at one of the guns on the quarter-deck of the Britannia, had his leg shot off below the knee, and observed to an officer, who was ordering him to be conveyed to the cockpit, That’s but a shilling touch; an inch higher and I should have had my eighteen pence for it; alluding by this to the scale of pensions allowed for wounds, which, of course, increase according to their severity. The same hearty fellow, as they were lifting him on a brother tar’s shoulders, said to one of his friends, Bob, take a look for my leg, and give me the silver buckle out of my shoe; I’ll do as much for you, please God, some other time.