478. An Irish barrister had a client of his own country who was a sailor, and having been at sea for some time, his wife was married again in his absence, so he was resolved to prosecute her; and coming to advise with the counsellor, told him he must have witnesses to prove that he was alive when his wife married again. Arrah, by my shoul, but that shall be impossible, said the other, for my shipmates are all gone to sea again upon a long voyage, and shan’t return this twelve-month. Oh! then, answered the counsellor, there can be nothing done in it, and what a pity it is that such a brave cause should be lost now, only because you cannot prove yourself to be alive. 479. King Charles the First being prevailed upon by one of his courtiers to knight a very worthless fellow, of mean aspect, when he was going to lay the sword upon his shoulder the new knight drew a little back, and hung down his head as out of countenance; Don’t be ashamed, said the king, ’tis I have most reason to be so. 480. One said Sir John Cutler looked very dismally when night came on, not because it brought darkness with it, but because daylight saved him a candle. 481. A man was reproached by another with barbarity in beating his wife so severely as he often did; Go, you are a fool, and ignorant of the scriptures, said he, else you would know that it was a proof of my love for her, otherwise I would not be at the trouble; but he that the Lord loveth he chastizeth, and so do I. 482. An Irish soldier once returning from battle in the night, marching a little way behind his companion, called out to him, Hollo, Pat, I have catch’d a tartar! Bring him along then! Ay, but he won’t come. Why then come away without him. By Jasus, but he won’t let me! 483. A very harmless Irishman, eating an apple-pie with some quinces in it, Arrah now, dear honey, said he, if a few of these quinces give such a flavour, how would an apple-pie taste made all of quinces? 484. The late duke of Wharton, going through Holborn in a hackney coach, with Phil. F―, saw a fellow drumming before the door of a puppet-show; Now, this is a pretty employment, Phil., said the duke; if you were reduced so low, that you were obliged to be either a highwayman or drummer to a puppet-show, which would you choose? Faith, my lord, answered Phil., I would be the highwayman rather than the other. Ay, replied the duke, that confirms the opinion I always had of you, that you have more pride than honesty. 485. Sir T. P. once in parliament brought in a bill that wanted some amendment, which being not attended to by the house, he frequently repeated that he thirsted to mend his bill. Upon which a worthy member got up, and said, Mr. Speaker, I humbly move, since the honourable member thirsts so very much, that he may be allowed to mend his draught. This put the house in such a good humour, that his request was granted.