Saul of Tarsus: A Tale of the Early Christians — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
Saul of Tarsus: A Tale of the Early Christians
John Stuart Mill · en
The world of helplessly-impelled children that she had pictured to him,
the world of innocence and forgivable inclinations, little warfares and
artless badness, play or the feeding of primitive hungers, or of
building of roof-trees--all that with which she had partly enchanted
him was suddenly stripped of its atmosphere, and the glare of
realities, fierce passions, deadly hates, shamelessness and blood stood
before him. In short, he had been instantly precipitated into his old
Essenic misanthropy now directly imposed upon the heads of individuals,
which before in his solitary days had been heaped without understanding
upon the heads of strangers.
He did care because that the creature had simply betrayed her true
self; more dreadful than that, she had wrested from him the charity his
experience in the world had yielded him--for Lydia!
Blind fury maddened him; her offense called for a fiercer response than
a blush; she had robbed his heart wholly and was burning its empty
house.
He put forth his strength, undid her arms and flung her from him. For
a moment he felt a bloodthirsty desire to follow her up and break her
over the stone exedra, but remnants of reason prevailed.
Springing through the exit, he was gone without uttering a word in
answer to her.
Junia heard the last of his footsteps on the flagging leading out of
her father's grounds, and for a moment wavered between screaming for
her own slaves to pursue him, or delivering him up to the praetorian
guards.
"For what?" Discretion asked. "To have him tell, under torture, thy
part in sheltering Agrippa? At thy peril!"
But he had flung her away; he had rejected her; he had escaped after
all her pains, her pretensions, her plans! For him, she had left
Alexandria and endured Caesar. For him, she had forgone seasons of
conquest in Rome! For him, she had neglected Caligula, and now
Caligula would be emperor. For him she had sacrificed everything and
had lost, at last. He, a Jew, a manumitted slave, a barbarian! She, a
favorite of emperors and consuls, a manipulator of affairs, fortunes
and families! And he had rejected her!
There were muffled flying footsteps on the sod without, and Caligula,
pallid and moist with terrified perspiration, dashed into the inclosure
as if seeking a place to hide.
When he saw her, he sprang back, but halted, on recognizing her.
"Ate and the Furies!" he said in a strained whisper. "What hath
happened but that Caesar revived while the guards were hailing me as
Imperator!"
A hater of pork, a wearer of gowns, a mutterer of prayers, a bearded
clown of a rustic! And she, it was, whom he had rejected!
"Stand like a frozen pigeon!" Caligula hissed, "while I tell thee of my
death! He knew what the shouts meant! He showed his teeth like a
panther, transfixed me with his dead eyes and signed for wine! When he
hath strength enough to order it, and breath enough to form the words--"