The American Joe Miller: A Collection of Yankee Wit and Humor
John Stuart Mill · en
IN!" I considered that air enuff for all practical purposes,
and we proceeded immejitly to the parson's, and was made 1 that very
nite. I've parst through many tryin ordeels sins then, but Betsy Jane
has bin troo as steel. By attending strickly to bizness I've amarsed
a handsome Pittance. No man on this footstool can rise and git up &
say I ever knowingly injered no man or wimmin folks, while all agree
that my Show is ekalled by few and excelled by none, embracin, as it
does, a wonderful colleckshun of livin wild Beests of Pray, snaix in
great profushun, a endless variety of life-size wax figgers, & the
only traned Kangaroo in Ameriky--the mos amoozin little cuss ever
introjuced to a discriminatin public, at the small charge of 15 sents.
COLONEL CROCKETT AND THE 'COON.--633.
I discovered a long time ago that a 'coon couldn't stand my grin. I
could bring one tumbling down from the highest tree. I never wasted
powder and lead when I wanted one of the creatures. Well, as I was
walking out one night, a few hundred yards from my house, looking
carelessly about me, I saw a 'coon planted upon one of the highest
limbs of an old tree. The night was very moony and clear, and old
Ratler was with me; but Ratler won't bark at a 'coon--he's a queer
dog in that way. So I thought I'd bring the lark down in the usual
way, _by a grin_. I set myself--and, after grinning at the 'coon a
reasonable time, found that he didn't come down. I wondered what was
the reason, and I took another steady grin at him. Still he was there.
It made me a little mad. So I felt round, and got an old limb about
five feet long, and planting one end upon the ground, I placed my chin
upon the other, and took a rest. I then grinned my best for about five
minutes, but the cursed 'coon hung on. So, finding I could not bring
him down by grinning, I determined to have him, for I thought he must
be a droll chap. I went over to the house, got my axe, returned to the
tree, saw the 'coon still there, and began to cut away. Down it come,
and I run forward; but d----n the 'coon was there to be seen. I found
that what I had taken for one was a large knot upon a branch of the
tree, and, upon looking at it closely, I saw that _I had grinned all
the bark off, and left the knot perfectly smooth_.
MODESTY.--634.
"Modesty," says a Yankee editor, "is a quality that highly adorns a
woman, but ruins a man."
SELF-EVIDENT KNOWLEDGE.--635.
A Yankee soldier who read his name in the list of deaths at an
hospital, wrote home that he didn't believe it. In fact, he knew the
statement was a falsehood as soon as he read it.
OBSTINACY CURED.--636.
A juror held out against his eleven companions in Santa Cruz,
California. The others, after trying all other means, finally agreed
to send in a verdict of "Guilty," with the addition, that the
obstinate member was a great rascal, and confederate of the prisoner.
He thereupon gave in.
NERVE OF FEELING.--637.