The happiest time of their lives — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The happiest time of their lives
John Stuart Mill · en
The crisis came in the first meeting of their eyes. If his glance had
said: “My poor dear, you’re tired. Rest. All will be well,” his cause
would have been lost. But his glance said nothing, only studied her
coolly, and she began to speak.
“Oh, Papa, Vincent does not consider such minor points as loyalty to me.”
Her voice and manner left Mr. Lanley in no doubt that if he stayed an
instant he would witness a domestic quarrel. The idea shocked him
unspeakably. That these two reserved and dignified people should quarrel
at all was bad enough, but that they should have reached a point where
they were indifferent to the presence of a third person was terrible. He
got himself out of the room without ceremony, but not before he saw
Vincent rise and heard the first words of his sentence:
“And what right have you to speak of loyalty?” Here, fortunately,
Lanley shut the door behind him, for Vincent’s next words would have
shocked him still more: “A prostitute would have stuck better to a man
when he was ill.”
But Adelaide was now in good fighting trim. She laughed out loud.
“Really, Vincent,” she said, “your language! You must make your complaint
against me a little more definite.”
“Not much; and give you a chance to get up a little rational explanation.
Besides, we neither of us need explanations. We know what has been
happening.”
“You mean you really doubt my feeling for you? No, Vincent, I still
love you,” and her voice had a flute-like quality which, though it was
without a trace of conviction, very few people who had ever heard it
had resisted.
“I am aware of that,” said Vincent quietly.
She looked beautifully dazed.
“Yet this morning you spoke--as if--”
“But what is love such as yours worth? A man must be on the crest of the
wave to keep it; otherwise it changes automatically into contempt. I
don’t care about it, Adelaide. I can’t use it in a life like mine.”
She looked at him, and a dreamlike state began to come over her. She
simply couldn’t believe in the state of mind of those sick-room days; she
could never really, she thought, have been less passionately admiring
than she was at that minute, yet the half-recollection confused her and
kept her silent.
“Perhaps it’s vanity on my part,” he said, “but contempt like yours is
something I could never forgive.”
“You would forgive me anything if you loved me.” Her tone was noble
and sincere.
“Perhaps.”
“You mean you don’t?”
“Adelaide, there are times when a person chooses between loving and
being loved.”
The sentence made her feel sick with fear, but she asked:
“Tell me just what you mean.”
“Perhaps I could keep on loving you if I shut my eyes to the kind of
person you are; but if I did that, I could not hold you an instant.”
She stared at him as fascinated as a bird by a snake. This, it seemed to
her, was the truth, the final summing up of their relation. She had lost
him, and yet she was eternally his.