The mill of silence — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The mill of silence
John Stuart Mill · en
“Peace can never be mine again, father. Would you like to know why?
Would you like to know what has made a sorrowful, haunted man of me,
while you were living on at the old mill here these five years past?”
“Tell me,” he said. “Confide in this old, broken, selfish man, who has
that love in his heart to seek comfort for you where he can find none
himself.”
Then, standing up in the red dusk of the room, I gave him my history.
“Nothing extenuate, nor set down aught in malice.” And he sat with
face darkened from me, and quivered only when he heard of Jason’s
villainy.
And at the end he lifted up his voice and cried:
“Oh, Absolom, my son--my son, Absolom!”
CHAPTER XXXII.
OLD PEGGY.
The months that immediately followed my home-coming were passed by me
in an aimless, desultory temporizing with the vexed problems that,
unanswered, were consuming my heart.
I roamed the country as of old and renewed my acquaintance with bird,
fish and insect. Starting to gather a collection of butterflies and
moths--many of which were local and rare--with the mere object of
filling in the lapses of a restless ennui and in some dull gratitude
to a pursuit that had helped me to a little degree of late success, I
rapidly rose to an interest in its formation that became, I may say,
the then chief happiness of my life. To my father, also, it brought,
in the arrangement and classification of specimens, a certain innocent
pleasure that helped to restore him to some healthier show of
manliness moral and physical.
Poor, broken old man! I would not now have stultified his pathetic
confidence in me for the biggest bribe the world could hold out.
Yet it must not be supposed I ever really for a moment lost sight of
the main issues of a mystery that was bitten into my heart with an
acid that no time could take the strength from. Sometime, sooner or
later, I knew it would be revealed to me who it was that killed
Modred.
As to that lesser secret of the coins--it troubled me but little. Free
of that dread of possible ruin that appeared to cling hauntingly to my
father, I was not disinclined to the belief that the complete
dissipation of his bugbear estate might prove after all his moral
salvation. Remove its source of irritation, and would not the sore
heal?
Sometimes in the full pressure of this thought I found it almost in my
mind to hunt and hunt until I found his hiding-place and to commit its
remaining treasures to the earth or the waters. Then it would seem a
base thing to do--a mean advantage to take of his confidence--and I
would put the thought from me.
Still, however I might decide ultimately, this determination dwelt
firmly and constantly in me--to oppose by every means in my power any
further levying of blackmail on the part of the doctor.
This unworthy eccentricity had not, to my knowledge, been near the
mill since that night of my return. That he presently found means,
nevertheless, of communicating with his victim, I was to find out by a
simple chance.