The mill of silence — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The mill of silence
John Stuart Mill · en
The sense of fanciful murmuring left me, and in its place was born a
sound as of something stealthily crossing the floor away from me. At
the same instant the door of the room, which I had left open, swung
softly to on its hinges, and I was shut in.
Then, with a fear that I cannot describe, I knew that the question was
to be put to me once more, and that I was destined to die under the
torture of it.
I had no hope of escape--no thought that the passion that prompted me
to self-effacement might, diverted, carry me to the door in one hard
dash for light and liberty. The single direction in which my mind
moved unfettered was that bearing upon the readiest means to my
purpose--to die, and thereto what offered itself more insistently than
the black pit I had but now risen from? A run--a leap--a shattering
dive--and the murmuring water and oblivion would have me forevermore.
I turned and faced the dark gulf. I pressed my hands to my bursting
temples to still the throb of the arteries that was blinding me. Then,
spasmodically, my feet moved forward a pace or two; I gave a long,
quivering sigh; my arms dropped inert, and a blessed warmth of
security gushed over all my being.
Pale; luminous; most dear and pitiful, an angel stood before the
opening and barred my way. A shadow only--but an angel; a spirit come
from the sorrowful past to save me, as I, alas! had never saved her.
I fell on my knees and held out my arms to her, with the drowning
tears falling over my cheeks. I could not speak, but only moan like a
child for cheer and comfort. And she smiled on me--the angel smiled on
me, as Dolly, sweet and loving, had smiled of old. Oh, God! Oh, God!
Thus to permit her to come from over the desolate waste for solace of
my torment!
Was all this only figurative of the warring clash of passion and
conscience? The presence was to me actual and divine. It led me, or
seemed to lead, from the mouthing death--across the room--out by the
open door, that none had ever shut; and then it was no longer and I
stood alone in the gusty passage.
I stood alone and cured forever of the terror of that mad and gloomy
place, whose influence had held me so long enthralled. Henceforth I
was quit of its deadly malice. I knew it as certainly as that I was
forgiven for my share in a most bitter tragedy that had littered the
shore of many lives with wreckage. For me, at least, now, the question
was answered--answered by the dear ghost of one whose little failings
had been washed pure in the bountiful spring of life.