The mill of silence — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The mill of silence
John Stuart Mill · en
“Very likely. You asked me to pray for you just now, you know. What’s
on your mind, Peggy Rottengoose?”
I had the old sinner to her feet by this time. Her face was a yellow,
haggard thing to look at--shining like stained brass. Something in it
seemed to convey to me that perhaps after all the angel of the storm
had struck at her in passing.
She looked at me morosely and fearfully.
“What but ministering to Satan’s children?” she said.
“You graceless old villain, I’ve a mind to pitch you into the race.”
I made a clutch at her as I spoke, but she evaded me with a wriggle
and a shrill screech.
“I didn’t mean it! Let me go by!”
“What have you got to repent of in the first place?”
“I was stealing the pictur’ o’ Modred--there! No peace ha’ I hard
since I done it!”
I let the old liar pass, and she shuffled away, hugging herself and
glancing round at me once or twice as if she still doubted the meaning
of my threat. I paid no more attention to her, but returned to my
father’s room.
The old man lay on his back placid and unconcerned, but his eyes were
open and he greeted me with a cheerful little nod.
Darkness deepened in the room, and the white face on the pillow became
a luminous spot set weirdly in the midst of it. I had not once till
then, I think, admitted a single feeling of disloyalty toward my
father to my heart. Now a little unaccountable stirring of impatience
and resentment awoke in me. I was under some undefinable nervous
influence, and was surely not true to myself in the passing of the
mood. It seemed suddenly a monstrous thing to me that he, the prime
author of all that evil destiny that had haunted our lives, should be
fading peacefully toward the grave, while we must needs live on to
outface and adjust the ugly heritage of responsibilities that were the
fruits of his selfish policy of inaction.
Such sudden swift reactions from a long routine of endurance are
humanly inevitable. They may flame up at a word, a look, a shying
thought--the spark of divinity glowing with indignation over
intolerable injustice. Then the dull decorum of earth stamps it under
again and we go on as before.
During that spell of rebellion, my soul passed in review the incidents
of a cruel visitation of a father’s sins upon his children. I saw the
stunted minds meanly nurtured in an atmosphere of picturesque
skepticism. I saw the natural outgrowth of this in a reckless
indifference to individual responsibility. Following thereon came one
by one the impulse to triumph by evil--the unchecked desire--the
shameless deed--the road, the river and the two lonely graves.
I rose to my feet and paced the room to and fro, casting a resentful
glance now and again at the quiet figure on the bed. Driven to quick
desperation I strode to the door, opened it and descended the stairs.