I little knew what lay back of that shudder. Even after I had seen
her dance with him, not only once, but twice, I never dreamed that
her thoughts, light though they were, were not all with me. It took
that morsel of paper and the plain words it contained to satisfy me
of this, and then--But passion is making me incoherent. What do you
know of that scrap of paper, hidden from the whole world from the
moment I first read it till this hour of full confession? It
fluttered from some one's hand during the dance. I did not see
whose. I only saw it after it had fallen at my feet, and as it lay
there open I naturally read the words. They were written by a man
to a woman, urging flight and setting the hour and place for
meeting. I was conscious of shame in reading it, and let these last
details escape me. As I put it in my pocket I remember thinking,
"Some poor devil made miserable!" for there had been hint in it of
the husband. But I had no thought--I swear it before God--of who
that husband was till I beheld her flit back through the open
doorway, with terror in her mien and searching eyes fixed on the
floor. Then hell opened before me, and I saw my happiness go down
into gulfs I had never before sounded, even in imagination.
But even at that evil hour my countenance scarcely changed--I was
opposite a mirror, and I caught a glimpse of myself as I moved. But
there must have been some change in my voice--for when I addressed
her, she started and turned her face upon me with a wild and
pathetic look which knocked so at my heart that I wished I had
never read those words, and so could return her the paper with no
misgiving as to its contents. But having read it, I could not do
this; so, beyond a petty greeting, I said nothing and let the
moment pass, and she with it; for couples were dancing and she was
soon again in the whirl. I am not a dancing man myself, and I had
leisure to think and madden myself with contemplation of my wrecked
life and questions as to what I should do to her and to him, and to
the world where such things could happen. I had forgotten the
details of time and place, or rather had put them out of my mind,
and I would not look at the words again--could not. But as the
minutes went by, the remembrance returned, startling and
convincing, that the hour was two and the place--our old pavilion.
I walked about after that like a man in whose breast the sources of
life are frozen. I chatted--I who never chatted--with women, and
with men. I even smiled--once. That was when my little white-faced
wife asked me if it were not time to go home. Even a man under
torture might find strength to smile if the inquisitor should ask
if he were not ready to be released.
And we went home.