The Shadow of the Past — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The Shadow of the Past
John Stuart Mill · en
Matheson had sent a telegram to Brenda from De Aar to acquaint her of
his return. He believed that she would be at the station to welcome
him, nevertheless as an afterthought he had added the words: "Please
meet train." A keen desire to see her welcoming face on the platform on
his arrival moved him to send the message. He wanted her, as he always
wanted her when he was depressed and out of tune with life. Her bright
companionship and ready understanding of his moods, her unwearying
patience and kindness, had taught him to lean unconsciously on her. He
wanted her with the formless need of the individual for a tried human
friendship which in no circumstance could fail in understanding and
sympathy. He never analysed his feeling for her; but he knew that she
had grown somehow very dear and necessary to him; he also knew that
there was no sort of passion in his steadily growing love for her. She
was always his dear chum.
As he neared his destination a horrible feeling of nervousness gripped
him. He was obsessed with the dread that something would prevent her
from being at the station. She might not have received his telegram.
Such things had happened before. She might have been out when it
arrived--it might have been stuck in the rack and forgotten. A dozen
such possibilities occurred to him.
He stared out of the window at the gathering darkness, watching the
black formless shapes flitting by like sinister shadows in the night,
dimly illumined by the light of the passing train. And then his gaze
came back unwillingly, his musing interrupted by the bustle of his
fellow travellers reaching up to the rack for their baggage in
preparation for disentraining. Their cheerful energy fretted him. The
journey had tired him, and his shoulder felt stiff and uncomfortable.
He still wore Honor's scarf as a sling. It was soiled now and crumpled,
but it had been of great service. He glanced down at it and thought of
the owner, of how she had tied it for him and pinned the empty sleeve of
his coat across his breast, and buttoned the coat with great care for
his injured arm. He pictured the beautiful face as it had leaned so
near to him, and recalled the scent and the sheen of her bright hair.
All that belonged to the past--was a separate chapter in his life--a
still-born romance. It was a dream of beauty which had no place in the
world of realities. But the dream would live in his memory. In the
gold and crimsons of the sunset, amid the vast solitariness of the veld,
and the splendour of moonlit nights, he would dream the dream again,
would see in imagination a woman's perfect face with its halo of pale
hair shading the mystery of her eyes. She was becoming for him a symbol
of womanhood, a symbol of all that was beautiful and strange and moving
in nature. The flowers in the veld suggested her; the curve of a hill
recalled the graceful flow of her shoulders; the heat of the noontide