The trap : $b Pilgrimage, Volume 8 — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The trap : $b Pilgrimage, Volume 8
John Stuart Mill · en
Conversation of this type, comfortably fed and armchaired men discussing
in the presence of deferential wives, was the recreation of his less
frivolous leisure. And for the rest, fashionable dinner-parties,
opinions about the latest plays and the latest novels, scandals, the
comparing of notes about foreign travel, hotels and so on—always the
same world, always shut in however far away, with the same assumptions,
not about life, for these people never thought about the fact of life,
only about the details of living, and about behaviour. His world was
ready-made, and clearly now as she watched him for the first time from
afar and socially surrounded, she saw that if she went into that world
she would fail him; fail just where a rising doctor’s wife must be a
tower of strength.
The sadness of farewell, bringing with it in equal companionship a
humiliating annoyance, was shallow; farewell to a selfish coveting,
doomed all along by its heartlessness. Yet even as she saw him cut off,
going his own bright way, it stirred within her, asserting a depth she
had not guessed; prompting to recklessness, reminding her with a long
backward glance how clearly, through all the years she had known him,
“fate” had been at work throwing them together in solitude, carefully
not revealing him in association with grouped humanity until now. To
draw back now was to reduce their common past from the moment of his
coming, bounding lightly at midnight into Eleanor Dear’s garret, an
abrupt tired man, prescribing a sleeping draught and thankful to get
away as soon as he knew there was someone prepared to stay all night and
not afraid to go out and ring up a chemist, to waste of time.
Waste of time in an alcove—a comfortable alcove inviting waste of time
by being there and being unable to protest. Waste of time; except for
the gathered knowledge of his goodness? Perhaps Hayle-Vernon, whose
elegant sophistries had at last broken the tide of Englehart’s talk and
left him standing, still eager, aware that his ardour had miscarried,
and though not actually looking about him, yet already on the lookout
for another listener, had gathered, in the time Englehart had wasted
with him, a knowledge of Englehart’s unconscious goodness?
Wilkins the author, gesticulating greetings, came up and hooked
Englehart away by the arm.