The tunnel : $b Pilgrimage, Volume 4 — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The tunnel : $b Pilgrimage, Volume 4
John Stuart Mill · en
It was a sort of formality. They all three seemed to be waiting for
something to begin. They were not at ease. Perhaps they had come to the
end of everything they had to say to each other and had only the memory
of their common youth to bind them to each other. Members of the same
family never seemed to be quite at ease sitting together doing nothing.
These three met so seldom that they were obliged when they met to appear
to be giving their whole attention to each other, sitting confronted and
trying to keep talk going all the time. That made everyone speak and
smile and look self-consciously. Perhaps they reminded each other by
their mutual presence that the dreams of their youth had not been
fulfilled. And the cousins were formal. Like the other cousins they
belonged to the prosperous provincial middle class that always tries to
get its sons into professions. Without the volume of Sophocles one would
have known he was part of a school and she would have been nothing but
the wife or daughter or sister of an English professional man. It was
always the same world; once the only world that was worthy of one's
envious admiration and respect; changed now ... "hardworked little text
book people and here and there an enlightened thwarted man." ... Was Mr.
Canfield thwarted? There was a curious look of lonely enlightenment
about his head. At the University, and now and again with a head master
or a fellow assistant-master he had had moments of exchange and been
happy for a moment and seen the world alight. But his happiest times had
been in loneliness, with thoughts coming to him out of books. They had
been his solace and his refuge since he was fifteen; and in spite of the
hair greying his temples he was still fifteen; within him were all the
dreams and all the dreadful crudities of boyhood ... he had never grown
to man's estate.... He had understood at once. "It always seems
unnecessary to explain things to people; you feel while you are
explaining that they will meet the same thing themselves, perhaps in
some different form; but certainly, because things are all the same."
"Oh yes; that's certainly so." He had looked pleased and lightened.
Darkness and cold had come in an instant with Mrs. Canfield's unexpected
reverent voice. "I don't quite understand what that means; tell me." She
had put down her fancy work and lifted her flower-like face, not
suspiciously as the other cousins would have done, but with their type
of gentle formal refinement and something of their look. She could be
sour and acid if she chose. She could curl her lips and snub people.
What was the secret of the everlasting same awfulness of even the nicest
of refined sheltered middle-class Englishwoman? He had stumbled and
wandered through a vague statement. He knew that all the long loneliness
of his mind lay revealed before one--and yet she had been the dream and
wonder and magic of his youth and still was his dear companion. The