The tunnel : $b Pilgrimage, Volume 4 — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The tunnel : $b Pilgrimage, Volume 4
John Stuart Mill · en
Perhaps there in the dark corner they
made a sort of whole. She rejoiced gratefully in the memory of Mag's
factory girl, in her own idea of having the sleeves gauged at the wrists
in defiance of fashion, to make frills extending so as partly to cover
her large hands; over the suddenly realised possibility of wearing the
silkette skirt as a day skirt. She must remain in the corner, not
moving, all the afternoon. If she moved in the room the bright light
would show the scrappiness of her clothes. In the evening it would be
all right. She sat back in her corner, happy, and forgetful. She had not
had so much tea as she wanted. She had refused the cigarette against her
will. Now she was alive. These weak things would not happen again, and
next time she would bring her own cigarettes. To take out a cigarette
and light it here, at home amongst her own people. These were her
people. There was something here in the exciting air that she did not
understand; something that was going to tax her more than she had ever
been taxed before. She had found her way to it through her wanderings;
it had come; it was her due. It corresponded to something in herself,
shapeless and inexpressible; but there. She knew it by herself, sitting
in her corner; her own people would know it, if they could see her here;
but no one here would find it out. Every one here was doing something;
or the wife of somebody who did something. They were like a sort of
secret society ... all agreed about something ... about what? _What_ was
it Mr. Wilson was so sure about?... They would despise everybody who was
living an ordinary life, or earning a living in anything but something
to do with books. Seeing her there they would take for granted that she
too, was somebody ... and she was somehow, within herself somewhere;
although she had made herself into a dentist's secretary. She was better
qualified to be here and to understand the strange secret here, in the
end, than anyone else she knew. But it was a false position, unless they
all knew what she was. If she could say clever things they would like
her; but she would be like Alma and Mrs. Binkley; pretending; and
without any man to point to as giving her the right to be about here. It
was a false position. It was as if she were there as a candidate to
become an Alma or a Mrs. Binkley; imitating the clever sayings of men,
or flattering them.