Such is the excess of my confusion, that I am afraid, even in
recurring to your clemency, lest the perusal of the lines in which I
confess my guilt should offend you. Let your purity and chastity
forgive me a recital which should have been spared your modesty, were
it not the means to expiate, in some degree, my infidelity. I know I
am unworthy of your goodness; I am a mean, despicable wretch, but I
will not be an hypocrite or deceive you, for I had rather you should
deprive me of your love, and even life itself, than to impose on
Eloisa for a moment. Lest I should be tempted, therefore, to seek
excuses to palliate my crime, which will only render me the more
criminal, I will confine myself to an exact relation of what has
happened to me; a relation that shall be as sincere as my repentance,
which is all I shall say in my defence.
I had commenced acquaintance with some officers in the guards, and
other young people among my countrymen, in whom I found a good innate
disposition, which I was sorry to see spoiled by the imitation of I
know not what false airs, which nature never designed for them. They
laughed at me in their turn, for preserving in Paris the simplicity of
our ancient Helvetian manners; and, construing my maxims and behaviour
into an indirect censure of theirs, resolved to make me a convert to
their own practices at all hazards. After several attempts which did
not succeed, they made another too well concerted to fail of success.
Yesterday morning they came to me, with a proposal to go with the lady
of a certain colonel they mentioned, who, from the report, they were
pleased to say, of my good sense, had a mind to be acquainted with me.
Fool enough to give into this idle story, I represented to them the
propriety of first making her a visit; but they laughed at my
punctilios, telling me the frankness of a Swiss did not at all agree
with such formality, and that so much ceremony would only serve to
give her a bad opinion of me. At nine o’clock then in the evening, we
waited on the lady. She came out to receive us on the stair-case,
through an excess of civility which I had never seen practised before.
Having entered the apartment, I observed a servant lighting up pieces
of old wax candles over the chimney, and over all an air of
preparation which did not at all please me. The mistress of the house
appeared handsome, tho’ a little past her prime: there were also
several other women with her much about the same age and figure; their
dress, which was rich enough, had more of finery in it than taste; but
I have already observed to you that this is not a sure sign by which
to judge of the condition of the women of this country.----The first
compliments were made as usual, custom teaching one to cut them short,
or to turn them into pleasantry, before they grew tiresome. Something
unusual however appeared as soon as our discourse became general and
serious. I thought the ladies seemed to wear an air of restraint as if