A Comic History of the United StatesHopkins, Livingston
History
A Comic History of the United States
Hopkins, Livingston
United States -- History -- Humor
_CHAPTER XVIII._
FULL ACCOUNT OF THE BATTLE OF BUNKER HILL—FALSE TEETH AND
HEROISM—ARE REPUBLICS UNGRATEFUL?
About two months after the events narrated in the last chapter the
battle of Bunker Hill took place, June 19, 1775. It was conducted by
General Bunker upon the American side, while one General Hill led the
British.
On this memorable occasion the Americans managed to destroy a thousand
or so of the enemy, and might have done better had their supply of
bullets held out. These becoming exhausted the noble fellows fell back
upon the brass buttons of their uniforms, which they fired at the
British as long as there was a button left among them.
The brave Bunker, when his stock of buttons gave out, bethought him of
his false teeth. He removed them from his mouth, and with fire in his
eye and a horse-pistol in his right hand, (holding on his buttonless
uniform with his left,) he turned upon the enemy a galling fire of
“store” teeth, and every one of them took effect, making sixteen of the
red-coats bite the dust.
In his official report of the battle which he sent to Congress the
heroic man avers: that, if there had been a dentist handy to extract
’em, he would have sacrificed every dashed natural tooth in his head for
the cause of Liberty.
[Illustration:
_PORTRAIT OF MR BUNKER_
_PORTRAIT OF MR HILL_
_BUNKER-HILL MONUMENT_
]
As a reward for his heroic conduct, Congress had him measured for a new
set of elegant silver-mounted molars, which it promised to present to
him some day with an appropriate inscription. And yet they say Republics
are ungrateful!
For further information regarding this great battle, see illustration.
There was a monument erected upon the spot to commemorate the battle,
and should you ever go to Boston you will probably be asked, “Have you
tried our baked beans, and have you seen Bunker Hill monument?”
_CHAPTER XIX._
STILL REVOLUTIONARY—THE FIRST FOURTH OF JULY TAKES PLACE—DECLARATION
OF INDEPENDENCE—AN ABLE DOCUMENT—PARLIAMENT IS MUCH MOVED AND GETS
OUT YELLOW HANDBILLS.
One hot sultry day in the summer of 1776 Thomas Jefferson eased his mind
in an essay called the Declaration of Independence, which said in effect
that the United Colonies of America had saved up money enough to start
in business for themselves, and henceforth there was to be no connection
with over the way. This document, dated July 4, 1776, was signed by John
Hancock and a few other members of Congress who had learned to write,
and was duly published in all the daily papers. We received a marked
copy of one of the papers in which it appeared at the time, and with a
sort of vague instinct that we might find it useful some day, cut it out
and preserved it with religious care. We reproduce it here in facsimile.
[Illustration]
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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