A Comic History of the United StatesHopkins, Livingston
History
A Comic History of the United States
Hopkins, Livingston
United States -- History -- Humor
He went into the lecture field, holding forth to large and fashionable
audiences, composed of intelligent savages, upon the science of
navigation, illustrating his lecture with an old mariner’s compass that
indicated all four of the cardinal points at once, and a superannuated
bulls-eye watch that would do nothing but tick. These simple-minded
children of nature listened with attentive ears, and looked on with
wondering eyes, and came down largely with green corn, sardines, silk
hats, hard boiled eggs, fall overcoats, pickled oysters, red
handkerchiefs, ice cream, dried herring, kid gloves, pickled tripe, and
other Indian luxuries, which proved invaluable to the starving,
threadbare colonists. Thus it is seen that Mr. Smith obtained on
_tick_[2] what he had no cash to pay for.
Footnote 2:
The reader may occasionally find this sort of thing in these pages but
he is entreated not to be startled.
Although Mr. Smith was regarded as a talented man from a scientific
point of view, and was even mentioned in the native papers as
undoubtedly a god, yet he was sometimes grossly misunderstood by these
artless aborigines, and on one occasion they arrested him on a general
charge of hocus-pocus or witchcraft, and carried him before Chief
Justice Powhatan to be tried for his life.
The jury brought in a verdict of “guilty” on all the counts, and the
hapless Smith was condemned to death. His counsel did all they could to
establish an alibi, but in vain. It was a clear case; a fair trial had
been given their pale brother and he must suffer the penalty. As a last
resort, Mr. Smith offered, first, his bull’s-eye watch, and finally, the
old mariner’s compass, for his life, but Judge Powhatan could not see
the point. He had never seen a white man die, and was panting for a new
sensation. He therefore ordered the entertainment to proceed without
more delay.
Having previously had his scalp removed, the doomed man thanked his
captors for all their kindness, and requesting the executioner to make a
good job of it, placed his head upon the fatal block. The dread
instrument of death was uplifted, and Mr. Smith was really apprehensive
that his time had come. He closed his eyes and whistled the plaintive
air,
“Who will care for my mother-in-law now?”
There was a hush of pleasant anticipation—a deadly silence—you might
have heard a pin drop—indeed, you might have heard ten pins drop.
* * * * *
At this supreme moment Pocahontas, the beautiful and accomplished
daughter of Judge Powhatan, appeared upon the scene, tastefully dressed
as a ballet girl, and using some pretty strong arguments with her
father, obtained from him a stay of proceedings, and the prisoner’s life
was spared.
[Illustration:
_POCAHONTAS SAVING THE LIFE OF CAPTAIN SMITH_
]
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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