As I said, he was never precisely unkind, The defect in his brain was just absence of mind; If he boasted, ’twas simply that he was self-made, A position which I, for one, never gainsaid, My respect for my Maker supposing a skill In His works which our Hero would answer but ill; And I trust that the mould which he used may be cracked, or he, Made bold by success, may enlarge his phylactery, And set up a kind of a man-manufactory,-- An event which I shudder to think about, seeing That Man is a moral, accountable being. He meant well enough, but was still in the way, As dunces still are, let them be where they may; Indeed, they appear to come into existence To impede other folks with their awkward assistance; If you set up a dunce on the very North Pole All alone with himself, I believe, on my soul, He’d manage to get betwixt somebody’s shins, And pitch him down bodily, all in his sins, To the grave polar bears sitting round on the ice, All shortening their grace, to be in for a slice; Or, if he found nobody else there to pother, Why, one of his legs would just trip up the other, For there’s nothing we read of in torture’s inventions, Like a well-meaning dunce with the best of intentions. A terrible fellow to meet in society, Not the toast that he buttered was ever so dry at tea; There he’d sit at the table and stir in his sugar, Crouching close for a spring, all the while, like a cougar; Be sure of your facts, of your measures and weights, Of your time,--he’s as fond as an Arab of dates; You’ll be telling, perhaps, in your comical way, Of something you’ve seen in the course of the day; And, just as you’re tapering out the conclusion, You venture an ill-fated classic allusion,-- The girls have all got their laughs ready, when, whack! The cougar comes down on your thunderstruck back! You had left out a comma,--your Greek’s put in joint, And pointed at cost of your story’s whole point. In the course of the evening you find chance for certain Soft speeches to Anne, in the shade of the curtain: You tell her your heart can be likened to _one_ flower, “And that, O most charming of women ’s the sunflower, Which turns”--here a clear nasal voice, to your terror, From outside the curtain, says, “That’s all an error.” As for him, he’s--no matter, he never grew tender, Sitting after a ball, with his feet on the fender, Shaping somebody’s sweet features out of cigar smoke (Though he’d willingly grant you that such doings are smoke); All women he damns with _mutabile semper_, And if ever he felt something like love’s distemper, ’Twas tow’rds a young lady who spoke ancient Mexican, And assisted her father in making a lexicon; Though I recollect hearing him get quite ferocious About Mary Clausum, the mistress of Grotius,